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i usually expresses my feelings in song. probably because i had depression from my childhood. flashback always reran inside my fucking head. i couldn't control the way my action were, or where i did it. my mind always controlled what i did and said.
sitting in our small apartment. waiting for johnny to come back from dinner with his family, stumbling upon the brown cushioned sofa. i had my guitar in my hands gently stroking the strings.
johnny knew what i was going through, yet he tried everything he could to make it right. he just couldn't. he had cameras set up to see how i acted, but i never knew.
it might sound like stalking but he cared for me. he wanted me to know that i was loved and cared for.
i knew a song. that i didn't tell anybody about. that i decided to play. the lyrics express my feelings and what i do.
i sat up straight letting the vivid thought flood my mind.
how's it feel? how it feel with your broken heart?
can't reveal, can't reveal all these fucking scars.
hurt me now, kill the pain, this is just the start
kill me now, numb the pain, i just wanna stop.
run away, run away from my broken heart.
kill me now, numb the pain, this is just the start.
run away, run away from my broken heart.
heart broken, no one can feel me.
you broke it, too many faces running.
i'm nothing, i'm nothing different.
i felt tears falling down my pale face. i just didn't feel right with anything or anyone. i just want all the pain to stop. i couldn't live knowing i could be hurt so badly from the past.
i threw the guitar in anger across the room. but slid down the walls and cried in pain. my sobs were the only thing i could hear, not even the front door opening.
my shaking hands covered my face and my shaking body as well.
"oh my god.." johnny whispered.
he ran to me and sat down in front of me.
"y/n, baby, please listen. can you hear me?" he gently touched my knee causing me to flinch.
"no! please!" i screamed, running my hands through my hair.
"baby it's me, john." he softly spoke. soothingly.
he put my hands down onto my lap.
i looked up with read, puffy eyes to see emerald shining green eyes gazing at me.
"i'm so sorry, john." i sobbed into the crook of his neck.
"shh. baby, it's okay i'm right here." he spook mellowly to calm me down.
"it hurts so bad." i sobbed even harder causing me to breath unevenly.
"baby, stop crying. listen to my breathing. follow it." he held onto me tighter.
i followed his breathing with a little bit of hiccups.
"w-what happened?" he whispered, close to my ear.
"something else just took over me a-and i just couldn't control what i was doing-"
"okay, okay i'm here now. and that's all that matters. i love you so fucking much."
he let a few years fall on the top of you head. he felt like home, so damn welcoming.
