Coffee

Part One: Tinder?

I'm recovering from a broken heart.

It shattered when my fiancé died and I never recovered fully.

It's the baggage I carry around and lately it's been getting heavier.

Walking into the Emergency Department, I told my good friend, Lauren Bloom, that I would meet her here so we could Bar hop. I've been on a downward slide lately- avoiding actual work for fundraising, avoiding friends, and feeling hopeless. So...I'm being productive, just not in the field of Oncology directly. Losing Mohammad, I just lost everything with him. My sanity. My libido. All desire to actually exist as a person. Half the time I fake a smile and prance through my life like I'm not bothered by being alone.

But I don't mind it.

I'm not betraying Mo that way.

But if you ask Lauren what she thinks about all of it- her response is this...

It's been five years! Rip the band aid off and jump some guy's bones already. Mo would not want that vaginal temple to go to waste!

Yeah....not the most encouraging or mature way to put it.

"There you are! Ready to go!" She loudly yells as she dances her way through her department. The last five years have been kind to us both in the ways of stupid, lazy, and ignorant Medical Directors. We've had a new one every year for the last five and at some point one of them promoted people for department heads and somehow, Lauren and I received that promotion. Of course, Lauren loves the ED and runs it like a battleship. Me on the other hand- for Oncology and Hematology- when I was interested in being the best doctor I could be: my department thrived. However over the last two years, I've taken on that TV informative Doctor role. Dr. Helen.

She's a celebrity.

She's a star!

She's a great cover story for the loser I actually am. Her lifestyle rewards me with lavish gifts like Burken Bags, Louis Vuitton jewelry, Gucci luggage, Prada dresses, Versace heels and every other designer of glamor. She has become an idol of New York and her home town of London- I just reap the benefits. I don't even know if I should run the department. To be honest I very rarely see patients any more and the death...I've become immune to it. It doesn't bother me like it used to because I've seen so much of it that it's just another day. I hate that I think that way- that's why I stay away as much as possible and do the talk shows and fundraise. So I can avoid being calloused.

"I believe so."

"It's no fair that you get to work with Meghan Kelley and go to Vale for a week! What the fuck?" She complains very often about what I get to do and where I go. It's the one nice thing about getting away- I get to see the world for pretty much nothing.

"Well, you could have jumped on the opportunity years ago- if you weren't bogged down in here to realize that there is such a thing as outer office work." I've grown to have this arrogant attitude. I don't know when it came about, but as if over night, my shit doesn't stink any more....apparently.

"Yeah, because that's being a doctor. Not treating patients." We walk out of the Dam and make our way down the street to Bulldog's. It's become a home away from home- for when I'm home...not that I'm an alcoholic. It's just nice to sit amongst the patrons and enjoy a scotch and a burger- dare I say- every once in a while. The high nose clubs up town have become stuffy lately and frankly I have no time for stuffy.

"I'm funding our under-funded piece of work hospital. Someone has to have cash flow. Once Ballard left four years ago- we've dwindled in money and care. How can we treat patients if can barely afford a pack of syringes and gauze." I hiss and she rolls her eyes.