Coffee

Part Seventy-Nine: Trying

I left Jenny's office after several awkward minutes of silence.

She doesn't get it.

How could she?

She has no idea what would happen if Max knew I had lost a child to something indirectly that involved him.

He would not only resent me for my silence- but would never be able to the present. It's bad enough he's not over grieving Georgia- which I understand- I do. She was his wife for how many years- the moth of his child- best friend: she was he world, even in the end. Now imagine if he found out he had lost a child that at one point he so desperately wanted...even if it wasn't that specific circumstance. The future he once wanted- or pretended to want- had that child in it.

Walking to my office, I'm not the least bit surprised to find the devil himself leaning against it with two coffees this time and a new scrub top on.

"Don't you get tired of leaning around?" I ask trying to provoke him.

"That's why I have coffee." He excitedly says and then smirks. "I have one for you too."

He hands it to me I try to give it back to him.

"Last one to touch it- keeps it." He playfully says as he follows me into my office. Feeling the anger rising in me, I go to the trash by my desk and stand over it. Looking deep into his eyes, I let go of the cup and it splatters in the bin. His brows furrow and his frown grows longer. I don't know why I'm feeling so hostile today- maybe it's from Jenny or maybe it's just me. Either way, I'm unable to help my rudeness. Sitting down at my desk, I begin by opening up my computer and he simply stands there staring at me. He shuts the door and leans against it.

"Can I help you?" I don't look up at him as I go through my new emails.

"Yes, actually..."

"Find your other pants?"

"Helen..." His voice is sorrowful.

"Max, I am very busy. Unless this is a medical emergency- please vacate my office." I don't look at him- my blood boils and I can't stop thinking I need to be defensive with him.

"I'm sorry." He says and remains standing there looking at me.

"Max, I'm very bu..." I begin to repeat my last sentence and he slowly walks closer to me.

"Don't you think I know how much I hurt you? Don't you think I regret it? Helen, I can't change what happened. I can't go back and say and do all the right things. I hurt you. So much so- that you don't believe I have ever loved you." His voice cracks and breaks in his throat and he just looks me deep in the eyes- never breaking eye contact. "It breaks my heart, hearing you say that. I messed up- Sweetheart. I messed up and there's no chance of forgiveness. I know that. I expect that...I didn't expect you to not feel loved or wanted. I didn't know...Helen...I didn't know you couldn't feel it. I'm sorry... I'm so sor...sorry."

That's all he says before turning and leaving my office.

Looking down at my hands, they're shaking madly and my stomach twists and flops. I expected bullshit to flow from his mouth...but...but that wasn't bullshit. He was so concerned that I couldn't feel his love...which was a lie. I felt it. I've been feeling it. I feel it now as he sulks through the hallway. It's always been there. I was just mad. Angry that he left me for Georgia. Angry that when I came back he treated me like he didn't want me around. Angry that I can't be open and honest with him.

If there was ever a time to accept an apologize and forgive someone- that was it. I'm so caught up in trying to both keep Max and push him away and push down my own sadness: that all I'm really doing is hurting him.