Coffee

Part Ninety-Five: Lay It On Me

Luna's been asleep for nearly two hours against my chest. Her tiny little heartbeat syncing to mine and her tiny hands impulsively gripping and ungripping my shirt. A bit of drool has formed a soaked spot on my red t-shirt and every once in a while, her little cheeks peak up like she's having a good dream.

"Well if that's not a beautiful sight." He nearly scares me to death as he speaks from his position against my living room wall.

"You could make a noise you know." I quietly hiss.

"I did. I spoke."

"Not that. I mean opening the door a bit louder and then shutting it or stomping your feet on the rug. Clearing your throat." I say and he smirks.

"But then I wouldn't have seen how beautiful you look holding Luna." Slowly walking over to me, kisses me before sitting down next to me and pulling me close to him. "What fun would that have been?"

"Would've saved me the heart attack." Brushing his finger over Luna's cheek, he smiles and then kisses me a few more times. "She's been asleep since you left."

"She looks comfortable." Looking at him, I see that look in his eyes. The look that says he wants something.

"I feel our hearts beating in time." I quietly say and he smiles. His hand runs up my thigh and stops just short of my pelvic area. His lips come back to my neck and my eyes close because it feels amazing and stirs my stomach. "How was work?"

"Boring."

"There's something wrong if you say work is boring. You live for the hospital."

"Only if you're in it." My cheeks heat up and he has a small smile on his face.

"Funny." I state and he looks at me differently. It's not sad or angry- it's just indifference.

"Helen..."

"What?" Sighing he turns in his position so he's facing me more.

"I mean it. You make my day so much better. When you're not there it's like all the joy and color has been sucked out of the world."

"I believe you." I say and he shakes his head.

"No, you don't." A frown rises to my face and he's right. I don't believe him. I'm just so used to being cautious and saying what the other person wants to hear that I completely disregard what he's actually saying.

"I'm sorry... it's not you, Max. Huh...I just...Huh...." I'm frustrated. I hate they he can read me now. Now he knows what my motives are and what I really am doing when I say things a certain way. "Here..."

I hand him Luna before he can say anything and I get up to let the dogs out. Standing at the back door, I have my arms wrapped around myself and my eyes closed. I need to figure this shit out. If I can't believe his words now- after knowing what kind of man he is- how can I ever trust myself not to ruin this relationship again? Watching the dogs act like fools in the yard, I have to force myself not to start crying. Why am I so emotional lately?

I hear his feet pad behind me and stop behind me. Gently tugging on my hip, he turns me to face him and Luna- who is still asleep against him.

"Helen, it's alright."

"It's not. Nothing about...me- is alright. I can't trust anything you say- and it's not because you're a terrible person or a liar or...or anything like that. I can't trust what you say because I can't trust myself not to ruin it or take it the wrong way. My life is upside down in a dumpster on fire. I can't pretend it's not any more."

"So...so what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm trying to figure myself out and figure out how to let you in." Trembling and tearing up, I watch him and feel terrible. "I...we can't..."