Coffee

Part Thirty-Two: Open This Door!

With still no word from Lauren, I'm hoping today, I can fix this problem between us. I have yet to be able to do that between consulting with Max about the diversity of my department and now sitting in a conference with the WHO in Haiti, I'm not seeing the possibility of doing any problem solving at the minute.

"So if we can....." I begin to deliver my first solution when Max barges in my office looking paler than my porcelain China at home.

"You will not believe what just came out of my body...."

"Um...Max...." Dear Lord get him to shut up. Amen.

"And I'm not just talking quantity, I'm talking quality. I mean the texture was like...." He sits down right in view of the webcam and the last thing I need is to look unprofessional in front of the WHO.

"Max!!! I'm currently in a conference with some of the top doctors in the WHO in hating." I spout out before he can finish. Gesturing to the screen, I give him glaring eyes and he slowly turns around.

"Oh...Hello..." He waves embarrassed and they smile and way back to him.

"We'll take a 15 minute break." I say and click the monitor off. Setting the remote down, I hold my temple and feel like I'm going to need a stiff drink in a few minutes.

"I'm sorry about that..."

"That's alright. We've been working on a difficult case for the last thirty minutes- the texture of your vomit is the mood lifter we needed." His face turns green almost and I can sense the chemo is hitting him harder than before. "And you need anti-nausea meds?"

"Mmm....this is a lot harder than I expected." He avoids puking and looks up at me.

"Silver lining. More radiation tonight so you're throat will be too sore to eat."

"That sucks."

"Why?"

"Georgia invited me over for dinner tonight to go through more of the baby shower presents she got this morning." Of course she did.

"Well....maybe it won't be too sore. Who knows. We'll have to see." His eyes glaze over as he watches me prop my head up on my hand.

"How was your night alone?" Is that what this is about?

"It was fine. Got some sleep...not as much as I was hoping." I'd become dependent on Max being in my bed or vice versa. I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the last month and a half of us dating, I have become overly comfortable sleeping in Max's arms. Having him close and feeling his warm breath on my neck all night is now what helps me go to sleep. Last night was miserable and a disappointment. I don't know why I expected it to be easy to sleep without him. To hear his incessant snoring and feel his strong arms around my torso and he presses his body into mine- among other things in the morning. I was up half the night trying to dispel the wanting of his body.

"Too much on you mind?" No, you weren't there.

"Sort of." I can't tell him it's because of him. He'll never let me hear the end of it. He'll make sure he's beside me every night. That's not what I'm trying to achieve here. I'm trying to distance us just enough so I stop thinking and feeling the way I do about him. He's slowly turned me into a teenager who got their first boyfriend. Where all you think about and talk about is that boy and all the things you two do. You long to see and hold him. The dramatics of yourself when he's not there overcome everything that used to make sense to you and eventually: nothing makes sense. You nearly forget how to breathe if they aren't in your presence. You forget yourself because you worked so hard making you and this boy one person.