Coffee

Part Seventy-Two: The Unfair Balance of Life

*** One Week Later***

Everything in my life seems to have become grey.

The dogs seem depressed.

I'm depressed.

Half the Dam has lost it's mind because Max is gone and I, the new leader, who can barely keep herself together- is trying to maintain everything as Max would. I still text and call Max- but never get the response I do dearly long for. I text and call Georgia and she too has written me off.

In hopes of finding something to work for Max, I begrudgingly reached out to Dr. Valentina Castro from NIH Labs. She used to be my underling, but having noticed that her ambition meant more to her than helping the actual patient- I was given no choice but to fire her. Though it has created a bitter relationship between us- I schmoozed my way into getting Max into her trial. She was excited to work with Max because of his complications with Chemo. She wants the challenge and by God is she receiving it in abundance. Our first meeting with Max was successful in the sense that he showed up for treatment or more like- he allowed us into Georgia's apartment- since keeping him home for treatments is the best for him at this moment. After we got in the door, Valentina had to answer several of Georgia's questions about quality and quantity of the treatment and symptoms- all the while Max just stared at the floor- not making eye contact with either myself nor Valentina and keeping his mouth shut.

It felt awful seeing him like this. A husk of the man I love in the arms of another woman- even if that woman was indeed his ex-wife.

After his trial started, we quickly started seeing results and Valentina slowly started cutting me out of the loop because "it is unnecessary for bystanders to just watch, when they can run the bloodwork and arrange the files for the patient's information".

After that, she stopped informing me of visits and when asked about them- she would make an excuse as in- she forgot or it was just a follow up for last time. Or my favorite- it was boring anyway, you didn't miss much. This whole ordeal became more and more frustrating as we got deeper into March. On the same side of that frustration, Jenny remained in contact with me. Asking about egg implantation and wanting to do physicals. So as I swing by her office today, I'm less than enthused about this whole thing. It's not that I don't want a child- it's mostly that I want Max involved and yet he wants nothing to do with me.

"Alright, I want to get some bloodwork and an internal ultrasound to check out your ovaries again." She says happily as she comes into my exam room. Laying on the table in that damn paper gown, I stare at the ceiling with my hands folded over top of my stomach and the look of defeat on my face. "Everything alright? You're quiet and seem depressed- Hel."

"Nothing's alright. I am depressed and just done with all of this."

"Oh, Helen- we can't give up. We've made huge strides the last few months."

"What's the point if Max wants nothing to do with me?"

"Helen, may I remind you- you were all gung-ho about a baby-even if you did it alone."

"Yes...well now that I know what it's like to be happy with someone: I can't find it in me to try and be happy alone." I say as she takes my arm and begins drawing blood.

"Did something happen with Max? I knew he left the Dam, but I didn't hear anything else."

"He took it upon himself to cut me out of his life without even hearing me out or compromising. He pushed me away and is back in the arms of his pregnant ex-wife." I gloom. Her face grows long and all I can do is cover my eyes.

"Listen...you are strong and brave and you don't need any man making you feel less than that. If he made the decision to leave- then let him see how much he's missing out on." Shaking my head, the tears slide down my cheeks and she hands me tissues. Blotting my eyes, I hate that Max has made me this way. I used to be content in my solitude. No flashbacks. No tears. No emotions. No heartache.