Coffee

Part Ten: If You Can't Say It

Going through my paperwork on my bureau- today was the worst kind of day for my ego. Left and right people kept making me feel worse and worse about myself- even if they didn't deliberately mean too.  I just want to go home, but unfortunately I still have 30 minutes to do so before I can blow this place.

My door opens and of course it's Max.

"Dr. Sharpe, I need you to..." He sounds ragged, as if his day was just awful.

"Do you realize how long it takes patients to get an appointment with me?"

"Um...."

"I am an excellent physician. An amazing doctor...and I have a radiant smile." I set the files down on my desk and he just sighs deeply.

"Can I finish...." I cut him off once more.

"No, you let me finish. If you can't look at me and say that you need me to be your doctor- then you're making a mistake that is going to cost you your life and..."

"I need you..." He grabs me by my biceps and looks at me. My heart flutters and his eyes close. "I need you to be my doctor."

I just search his face. He's had a rough day- apparently.

"I want to be a doctor. And I want to be a father...and a husband..." So they resolved everything then.

Figures, I got my hopes up for nothing. Put everything out there just for him to get a few fuck.

"I am putting my life...in your hands." He struggles, with all of this. He struggles to look at me and he struggles to calm his racing heart. "I want to be around and I don't have a lot of time to avoid this forever."

"I'm not going to bargain with you Max. I'm going to be strict and expect you to show up to appointments and not fight me on every little thing." I say plainly. His hands slide down my arms and he takes my hands in his. "We start in three weeks."

I go to leave him, but he keeps holding onto me.

"Helen..."

"Save it...it doesn't really matter anyway." I get my hands free and he just watches me head towards my desk.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel..."

"What? Like I was wanted?" His face goes slack and his eyebrows furrow inward. "Like you actually wanted something more than just one night. You're a very good actor Max. The whole breakfast in bed and caring and slow metaphor really took my breath away. Now if you don't mind- I have patients to go see...even though everyone in this damn hospital sees me as a fraud."

I push passed him and leave him there in my office. I hurt all over. I make my way to where a young male patient is having his Chemo done. He smiles weakly at me and I shit the glass door behind me.

"How are we today Stevie?"

"Good Dr. Helen. Just living the dream." He tiredly says and stares back at the ceiling.

"You know, down the hall, there is an open space where some of the patients play cards, do puzzles, and just...socialize." I say and he looks at me with big sad eyes. Seventeen and struggling with Stage Four Bone Cancer. He's far from being helped, but we all still keep our hopes up for him. "I know...I know it's hard being here day in and day out."

"It's not that."

"Then what's with those big eyes?" I sit beside him and place my hand on his and simply watch him.

"I just...I had so many dreams and things I wanted to do. I...I wanted to graduate and have sex..." I blush and he just keeps unloading his pain. "Ya know, I never had a girlfriend. I barely have any friends because I've been here so long...it's not fair."