Coffee

Part Eighty- Eight: A Reason To Stay

"I came as soon as I heard!" He's near out of breath and wheezing. "If the board thinks they can demote you over this then we'll fight it."

"They can and they already did." I sorrowfully says.

"Well then if they won't reinstate you- they can just demote me too..." I become angry with his first of passion for dominance and masculinity.

"Oh stop it, Max! I don't need you to threaten them. I don't need you to fix this! I just need time to think!" I burst and my chest throbs.

"Think about what?" About everything. About my place here. About my place in his heart. About my place in this world.

"What am I still doing here?" I blow up and from the look on his face, he doesn't like this question.

"We will get you back your Department, your patients still need you, the committees need you here. I...I need you, here." He takes my hands and looks down into my eyes. This is what he does. He tries to charm me and be intimate to get his way. He does it, because I have always given into him. Every time.

"And what about what I need?" His face drops. He didn't think about that. He never thinks about my needs. "Because I don't think I'm gonna find it here."

"So what are you..." He stammers a bit, his hands slowly releasing mine. "You're...you're gonna leave?"

"I'm looking for a reason to stay." To stay with him. To stay in New York. The US. To stay in this world.
"And right now...I can't find one."

Removing my hands from his, I walk around him and go to my desk. He remains standing there. Crushed and broken. Frozen in time and space because of what I just said. I get ready to gather my things to leave when he finally speaks.

"Saturday..."

"No..."

"No?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I state firmly. I close my laptop and organize papers on my desk.

"You just left."

"Yes, I did." He looks at me with those sad blue eyes that are as blue as the oceans.

"Why?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it." I bite and he lurches forward.

"Well I do."

"It's always about what you want Max! What you need! Did you ever stop and think about what I want? What I need?" Looking at me, shock crosses over his face. "When you get what you want- what you need- it's still never enough. You're in remission- Max! The one thing you've wanted for a long time! Yet here you are and you're not happy. You're not satisfied!"

"I can't be." He quietly states.

"Why?!" He looks down and now I notice it.

His wedding band. His thumb rubbing it and spinning it around his ring finger.

When did he start wearing it again? Why?

More importantly, how hadn't I noticed.

"B...because..." He stutters and his face is twisted up in pain. Pain between hurting me and having been hurt by loss and grief for months.

"Because you only wanted to get better for her." I say it less for him and more as a realization for myself. When the words leave my mouth, the light in his eyes go out- a flame in the wind being blown away so easily. "So...so I was just something to..to pass the time until you two could be together."

"No...Helen..."

"None of it was real and yet I tried so hard to believe you when you said it was." My tears are hot as they run down my face.