Coffee

Part Fifty-One: I Want You

"You were bloody magnificent last night." He says as he briefly looks at me with a smirk. "I just said bloody."

"I couldn't think of a more appropriate word for the occasion." The morning sun radiates across the buildings and snow and for the first time in weeks the sky is blue.

"It's a UK thing." He jokes and I can't help but smile slightly. I miss his jokes. I miss our banter and conversations.

"So I've heard, haha."

"Really....there's no way I would've gotten through it without you." Hands in his pockets and jacket slightly unzipped, his whole aura yells calm yet cautious. The cool air send small snowflakes fluttering around us and the bright morning sun shines across the cityscape, revealing last nights results- I too am cautious. "Danielle was in."

"I seen. We talked...I set her up with Iggy." He nods and smiles a bit.

"Hel..."

"Max..." We cut each other off and this feels like it's going to be harder than it should.

"We make a good team." He says as if it will deter me from my overall goal of speech.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually." Looking out over the city, I feel my body shiver and tremble as I start what will probably be the hardest thing I do. "This thing...where I'm your deputy, your doctor, your confidante, your friend...."

"That's a lot..." He looks down noticing how I didn't say girlfriend.

"Yeah....And it's not working." I say. Eyes widening and posture dropping, he turns towards me a bit more. "Last night, we needed to choose who to save and every time you chose all of the above..."

"Yeah and it..."

"That's not a criticism, I'm glad it worked out...this time. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you have to choose."

"You just said it all worked out..." Shaking his head a bit, his brows furrow and his chest rises a bit faster than before. He's getting upset and frankly so am I.

"Max, you want all of the above, all the time. You needed to make a choice and you couldn't." I say and his head shakes back and forth.

"I...I don't understand what...what this has to do with us?" Sniffing back my ready to fall tears, I push them down and confidently look at him.

"It's what you do with your cancer as well. You want to get better, but you want to run the hospital. You want the highest Chemo we have, just none of the side effects that come with it. You want a family...." I stop myself and take a deep breath. "From the beginning- from the first day we met- you have refused to choose."

"It's...it's not that easy... Look, Helen all I want is..."

"Max...You want everything...because Max you are all of the above. You come to me with these demands...these inspiring..." I think about how he was with Danielle and everyone last night. "Demands...and I don't know who I'm supposed to be."

I get choked up and Max steps forward and holds onto my wrists and looks at me deep in my eyes.

"You're supposed to be you...Helen..."

"I've tried!" Tears freeze in my cheeks and I pull away from Max. "I've tried being all of the above and I can't....I can't be your friend, and your deputy...and your doctor- so I have to choose. I have to triage us...I'm gonna have Stauton take over as your doctor..."

"No...no..no Helen you don't..." He comes forward and tries to pull me into his arms and I once more have to put my foot down.

"She's am excellent oncologist and she'll handle your care effective immediately." As I say it, he goes to reach out but stops as he sees me backing away.