Coffee

Part Forty-Eight: The Calirvoyant's Blizzard

I cry harder and harder as Max's face softens and frowns. He stops with the wash cloth and sets it on the glass center of my coffee table. He brushes his hand over my ear and neck that are closest towards the ceiling as I lay on my side. The sun shines through my front Bay window and yet, I feel I'm in the dark.

"No...Helen. You didn't mess it up. It's not your fault."

"It....it...is...." I choke on my tears and stutter. Sophie pokes her head out of the blanket more and licks my cheeks before retreating back under the blanket to be underneath my hand. "I pu...pushed...pushed you...aa...away...."

"You were protecting yourself..." He embraces my cheek and strains his neck so he can rest his head on the couch all so he can look at me straight on. "I'm sorry I brought up all your pain again. I wish I knew how to help you get rid of it."

My lip quivers and I tremble a bit. I need to just get him to understand that he doesn't need me. But I know he's waiting for me to say I need him and that I want him.

I do.

Want him.

I so obviously need him.

But I'm toxic.

And Max shouldn't have to deal with toxic.

"Helen, you made a decision based on what you thought someone else wanted. You took away my choice to decide what's best for me and what makes me happy."

"I know...."

"You tried to be in control my life and my feelings- and it was unfair of you." He quietly states- trying to keep his voice even. "You told Iggy that breaking up was the best thing for me and that I would be fine."

My watery eyes blur him out.

"You're a great doctor Helen. You usually know what you're talking about and are inherently right...but not this time. Not about this. But Iggy told me to do what you wished. Said your projecting what you want onto me. If you want me out of your life Helen, then I'm gone." My heart heaves big gasping breaths and tears flow harder. "If you want me to leave you alone- then I'll leave you alone. I don't want too...It'll be hard and it'll suck...but it's not about, what I want."

Sitting up, he embraces my cheek, leans forward and kisses my forehead and then gets up. Taking the wash cloth, he heads to the kitchen and puts it in the sink. I want to move...I want to call to him: but everything in my body is telling me to let him go. Let him find someone less broken, more beautiful and put together. Let him share a life with a woman who won't have breakdowns in the middle of the walk. Let him for once have peace.

He deserves that.

Right now, he thinks he wants me. But in hindsight, he just cares so much about everyone's happiness and health that he invests too much of himself in them and that's what he's doing. He's mistaking his caring sympathetic nature of intimacy.

"Do you need or want anything...before I...before I go?" He stammers as he leans against my living room wall. His voice is choked and it hurts me...but he'll be better if I stay strong...for him.

"...No..." I resign myself to my space and hold back my urge to cry harder and make a scene. He stays for a few minutes, just blankly staring at me as of waiting for me to call out to him. He waits and I force myself to stay put and silent.

"Huh...good bye Helen." He leaves and as the door shut behind him and let my breath out and I just cry. I cry until I have no more tears and I make myself sick to my stomach. I pass out from exhaustion.

***Monday***

All weekend since Max left- I went round and round in my head about going back to work or just resigning. He needs someone stable to be his doctor...but I'm also his deputy- a job no one else would want to take on. As I look out my window, a blizzard is coming in. They forecasted it as the going to be the worst snowstorm in November that New York has ever seen.