A Hero In The Dark

Chapter 159: A Promise Worth Keeping?

After only a few hours of sleep before waking from an intense nightmare of not being strong enough to save him, I quietly make my way to the Common Area of the ship. I find a bottle of water; drink insatiably and sit at the little dining table on the edge.

The water is cool; it replenishes the dryness easily and takes away the dread of the nightmare. Something I am more than grateful for. I nearly jump when I feel the fuzzy warmth of a rabbit at my ankles.

"Pixie!" I exclaim in a quiet whisper. "You startled me girl."

She brushes her fur up against my shins before jumping up in my lap. I stroke a hand over her smooth back slowly and gently.

"I keep seeing him girl," I cry. "It's been months and I still keep seeing him. When is it going to stop?"

With my gaze locked on the bunny in my hold, she shifts her weight so her legs are under her body and drops her chin to my knees. It is then that I hear him.

"Probably when you give yourself permission to move on and when your heart accepts what happened Em."

I look up from Pixie and find John at the edge of the Common Area. In his boxers and black t-shirt. He walks toward us to sit beside me and scratch Pixie under her chin.

"How am I supposed to give myself permission to move on John? I am reminded every night of the pain he endured. How am I supposed to accept that his death is all my fault?"

"It isn't your fault Em. It isn't-"

"It is!" I practically shout. "If I hadn't have left home in the first place, he'd still be alive! I'm the one that led Phiri Dun-Ra to my home; I'm the reason that she even did it. And now he is gone." I throw myself into John's arms, not wanting to show my tears, and he catches me and holds me close, keeping his chin over my shoulder. "He's gone John," I whimper, chest heaving heavily. "He's gone and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I can't give myself permission for something that I failed to do. I can't accept what I don't want."

John doesn't respond immediately to that, but he doesn't let me just cry. Instead he pauses to let my sniffling settle a bit before continuing.

"It's going to take some time Em," he says. "No one is expecting you to recover from the loss in a day or a week or a month."

"It's been five months John," I correct, pulling away to wipe my tears. "How much longer do I have to feel this pain?"

John looks into my eyes; sees the ache in my heart. He looks into my eyes and I look into his. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear then whispers in return, "Until your heart is ready to come out of it stronger than ever."

I look away, sad and disappointed. "That's not exactly the answer I wanted to hear John."

For a short moment, John cracks a smile. "I know," he replies. "I know you wanted to hear an exact time. But the truth is, I just, can't give you one."

A pause.

"Why not?" I ask at last, my tone becoming critical. "Aren't you supposed to have every possible legacy that a Garde can develop? Why can't you use a legacy that lets you see into the future to see how long I'll have to suffer? I mean, you're The Great John Smith for crying out loud. Everyone at my school couldn't stop talking about you. Asking me questions like: When can we meet him? What is he like? Is he hot? What powers does he have?" I don't feel like crying anymore; I just feel empty inside. I stand and shrug, Pixie hopping down as I do. "Well, it turns out he can be in any situation and always say the perfect thing, but in the end, he can't make your pain go away. He can't give people hope like they expect him to. In fact, chances are, he'll only take it away."