A Hero In The Dark

Chapter 161: Eternal Love

~ In the Perspective of Number Four, John Smith ~

~ 16 Months Later ~

It still hurts every single day.

I remember holding her in my arms, pleading for her to look up at me to say something. To have her see the beauty that she restored. And she did. But then I lost her. She put a hand on top of mine, and I didn't need my healing legacy to feel how weak she was. I tried as hard as I could to heal her. I tried everything I could to bring her back. But there was nothing to heal.

Henri said her death had likely to do with her legacy, Eneration. Something about the energy in her body and there being a lack of it to allow her mind and heart to recover. Even he isn't certain what went wrong in her body. None of us are.

I keep praying hoping begging to Lorien to bring her back. I plead to Pittacus Lore every night before I fall asleep; he was the strongest of us all. Emily always said that she could communicate to him through her dreams, however unintentional it seemed. I keep trying to do the same. I don't think he ever hears me.

Every night, I dream about her.

I see her on that first day we met in Paradise High. So confident, but anxious too. I see her as I imagined her during her imprisonment and torture. In chains, frightened, and scared.
I see her during all the days we trained together, all the days that she trained us and all the days that we trained her.
I see her the day that she fought Setrákus Ra and nearly died by his hands, the day that I saved her. Both her and Pixie.
I see her the day her Father was killed. I remember how it felt when she hugged me and cried in my arms.
I see her as I imagined her holding a gun to her head like Five said she did and try to imagine that I was the one that was there to stop her.

I hate myself all over again.
I hate myself all over again.
I hate myself for letting it all happen.
I hate myself for her death.

I hate myself.

I can still hear her voice. As it was. As it sounds. As if she never left.

"Thank you, John," she said. "For being my hero in the dark." 

I feel my chest shudder a heavy breath as I traverse the steep dirt path. Pixie follows at my heel – always has since her death.

We've laid her at rest there. Both of them. In a cave near the top of the mountain; the tallest mountain on Lorien. I call it Mount Em.

Normally I make the trip first thing every morning with her Mother and Brother and Pixie. We'd travel up the path to talk to her. I'd bring her a fresh flower; a fresh flower every day. Her Mother would say her prayers and her Brother would talk to her as if she were still here; telling her about what they did, what we did, how beautiful how much fun Lorien is.

We all wish she could be here.

Today I am making an extra trip. It is late afternoon and I had finished helping Henri and the others with the last of the reconstruction. I have nothing but a photo of her and I, my Loric dagger, and the white envelope Henri gave me shortly after her passing.

I have yet to open it. I have yet to even try, just couldn't.

Until Henri encouraged it. "It's been over a year John," he said earlier in our cabin. "I get that it's hard. I get that it feels like you've lost everything-"

"I have lost everything!" I practically shouted at him. "Reading her letter is just accepting and admitting that she's gone! I don't want to accept that she's gone. I can't accept it."