The Baby Arrangement

Chapter 61: Guilt

Chapter 61: Guilt

Laying in her bed under all the blankets, she's overly warm. Maybe she's just trying to pass out from heat stroke or maybe she's just in that much pain that she wants to melt it away. Whatever her exact reason for laying under all the blanket for in 102 degree heat for two days is, it doesn't matter. She told her family yesterday that she was feeling ill and wanted to sleep it off. Daryl had come in several times to check up on her, all times she pretended to sleep- though she was really drowning in her tears. This wasn't from just hormones, but fear and pain. She thinks she's a good mother, fair, playful, caring, but for some reason, she isn't what Kensi wants. What if Carter is like that too? What if when he's old enough to do his own thing, he hates her as much as Kensi does? This depressive state is making Beth unable to feel anything else but numb.

"Beth? I made breakfast, baby. Smiley pancakes-yer favorite." She ignores him. She feels her body humming with hunger, heat, sadness, and frustration. "Baby...you need to eat something. You don't eat dinner yesterday. Carter's probably hungry..."

She doesn't move or acknowledge him and he sighs. Leaving the room, she begins to cry again and reaches in her drawer for two granola bars. She scarfs down the first one and decides she best save the second one for later. Falling back asleep, she feels empty inside- not from being hungry- from pain.

She sleeps through out the day and still isn't feeling any better. She's miserable and hates herself. Why did she get with Daryl in the first place? She should have got a donor and moved far away from Daryl and everyone. Maybe it isn't cause Daryl's in the equation, but that she is. Maybe it's simply Beth that's the problem.

Downstairs, Daryl is sitting at the kitchen table watching Kensi color. looking at the fridge all the pages say 'to Daddy' with shitty spelling and backward letters. Most of the pictures on the walls are of him and her, the only real one of Beth and her is when she was born and then again at her Beth's apartment when Kensi barely was awake. Had he taken the best moments away from Beth? Had he turned her daughter against her, leaving her nothing?

"Looky." Kensi hands him the drawing and it has the same scrawbly letters on it.

"Kensi...do you love Mommy?"

"It pretty...she starts a new picture and he asks again.

"Baby, do you love mommy?" She looks up at him and shrugs her shoulders like he does when Beth asks him a stupid question. "Sweetie, do you miss mommy? She hasn't been around in a few days."

The small girl shrugs her shoulders and Daryl rubs his hand through his hair.

"Do you love me?" He asks and she smiles widely.

"I ove you, Daddy..."

"But you love mommy too, right?"

"Nope." His chest tightens and he feels incapable of understanding.

"But mommy makes you good food when your hungry and tucks you in at night."

"No!"

"Kensi Marie, Mommy's very upset. She thinks you don't love her."

"No ove Mommy!" Kensi screams and continues to color. He's sure Beth heard that, which will only make her feel worse.

"What about Papa and Uncle Merle. Do you love them?"

"Yes!"

"And Maggie, Glenn, Ainsley and Aidan?"

"Yes!"

"Ozzie?"

"Yes!"

"Rick and Chone, Carl and Judy?"

"Yes!"

"Mommy?"

"No!" Standing up he kicks the chair over and feels like shit. Had he done this? Really?

"Kensi, you have to love mommy. Mommy loves you so much. She gave you life. Yer toys...me. Kensi, if you don't love mommy then...well you don't love me."

"But I ove Daddy..." She pouts.

"Not any more." He says and goes to sit on the couch. Guilt is so built up in him that he doesn't know what to do. Should he leave? Leave and let Kensi figure out Beth? It's hard knowing how bad Beth feels. She wanted a baby so bad and now that she has one, she isn't even loved by it.