The Baby Arrangement

Chapter 88: Another Grave to Dig

Burying Teddy was another one of the hardest things Beth and Daryl had to do. Standing at the base of a tree on Hershel's farm, Beth just stares down at her son's grave as she tries to come to peace with it. How do you accept that your baby boy's gone? How do you move past it? They tried moving passed losing Carter, that's what Teddy was- wasn't he? A distraction from pain? No. Teddy wasn't meant to distract Beth from the truth, nor Kensi, or Daryl. Teddy was meant to be saved. They lost Ozzie. The dog that was bought as a distraction for Daryl's loneliness- who turned into a family member just the same. Burying two members of their family in one day- what shitty life was this? On top of it all they lost everything. Family photos, quilts from Beth's grandmother, home videos- everything just gone up in smoke. Kensi lost her pink bear Beth bought to tell Daryl she was having a little girl- their little girl. She lost the memories of Kensi first learning to walk through the house. Of her playing with sluggies in the garden and rolling around in the grass outback with Ozzie and Merle. Everything just gone. It's weird how a blink can erase so much- yet you never know what you're missing.

"Hey..." Two strong arms- the most comforting feeling she's ever known, wrap around her slim shaking body as she brushes away some tears. Pulling her loose grey sweater tightly around her, she leans back into his chest as he kisses her hair. "Yer Dad and Merle are taking Kensi fishing at the quarry...you gonna come?"

"Yeah..." Shallow pain rises in her throat and all she can do is turn around and hold him close. "It still doesn't seem real."

"I know...I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I should've killed him." Looking up at him- Beth never heard what happened, well who the culprit was- she firmly was against it.

"Who?"

"That bastard who tried to rape Kensi. Rick told me that he was the one who planned the whole thing."

"But...but where is he now?"

"Dead...the worst part is, Dawn helped him kid name Ted, but decided last minute she was going to rescue him...she set the warehouse they were hiding in on fire after she got out with Teddy...I should've killed him."

"She helped him! I..I...I could kill her! She's a fucking cop and she helped kill our baby..." Her tears beat down her cheeks and Daryl just holds her close. He was just as shocked- Rick told him that she didn't make it unfortunately- he wishes she would've rotted in jail.

"It's all my fault Beth...I'm sorry. I'm sorry honey..." Tears spring up in his eyes and all he truly says is he fucked up. If he would've killed Len instead of shooting him in the leg- true he would've been in jail, but at least he'd be able to sleep at night knowing the two people he cares most about are safe. Maybe then Rick would've kept Teddy and all would be happy. No pain would come to them. Letting go of Beth, he turns, sulking away. Beth doesn't turn to go after him, but continues facing the ground. Secretly, she blames him too. She shouldn't, but she can't help it. If he wouldn't have taken Kensi out with him to meet the construction crew, that day wouldn't have happened, which means they wouldn't have came back for Kensi and Teddy wouldn't be dead. At the same time, if she hadn't provoked Dawn, maybe she would have been one more cop looking for Teddy- instead of being apart of his disappearance.

Walking into the corn field, Daryl can hear Kensi, Merle, Carol, Hershel and Maggie with Glenn getting on the four wheelers to go down to the quarry. He's glad they can distract Kensi from the pain. He's glad that they can show her life can pick itself back up after tragedy. He figures he's not as strong as he'd like to pretend to be. Sitting in the dead center of the tall stalks, he looks up at the ears surrounding him and imagines he's never been born. Life would've been better that way. His whole life before meeting Beth was shit and it's all looping back around, but this time he's dragging Beth and the ones he cares about with it. Taking out a pack of cigarettes that he's secretly been smoking for the passed few days, he takes one out of the pack and pulls out his lighter. Lighting up, he takes a few puffs and remembers when he started smoking. It was just around the time he was 16 and his father was still beating the living shit out of him for no reason. Cigarettes made him cut the edge off of wanting to jump of a bridge every night. Back then he dreamt about killing himself like a kid dreams of owning that puppy they've always asked Santa for, but never got. Taking the cigarette, he pushes the burning end of it to his hand between his thumb and his pointer finger, where he put one the night Kensi almost got raped and Beth flipped-and doesn't let up until he can smell his flesh burning. Looking up into the sky, he falls to his back and lays flat to the Earth. He just wants his son back. He just wants his dog. He just wants to be pain free and for Beth to be happy again.

Is there such happiness when you're associated to a man with no soul?