Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-07-07

Do you ever hate your own love language? I do. It makes people uncomfortable, physical contact I mean.

Sure I personally hate it myself, the physical contact. I hate when my mother touches me and I cringe when Kayden asks to hold my hand to show me something and sure I have minor panic attacks when Justin used to try and get me to have any kind of physical contact with him, but there are those people that don't make me cringe or panic when they touch me, like Vi, Caleb, Clifford and Jacob.

But they are a select few, and outside of them if I don't personally initiate it then I hate it. Which makes me sound selfish, forcing people to only be able to touch me if I start it first. I'm not sure though.

Jacob pointed out this morning and by this morning I mean like it was like 1 am, anyway, he apologized for going so slow, pointing out that we haven't even kissed yet, which is true. I explained to him that I never want to make him uncomfortable, that we will go at his pace until he is ready.

I have fully convinced myself that I am perfectly fine with little to no contact, even if it's not completely true.

I won't lie, it stings a little whenever he tenses up when I hug him and it definitely hurt when Justin pointed out that he looked uncomfortable. I understand that it is all new to him and that things need to go slow, it's his first relationship. I'm just trying my damndest to not be selfish.

I don't want him to be uncomfortable with me, but I also have no idea how else to express that I care for him. I suck with words, verbally anyway. I can't get gifts, no money, or I would have done that already.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to fuck this up, hell even Vi pointed out that I can't keep a relationship for a year.

I overthink every little thing and I honestly hate that about myself but it's not something I can just magically stop.

I can feel myself slowly spiralling again, those self-deprecating thoughts clawing at the back of my head where I have shoved them so many times before. I hate it.

It happens every time things start looking better for me and I don't want it to control my life, yet it does.

The negative spiral of feelings has so much control over my life.

I want to be okay one day.

I don't need to be good or perfect but to be okay would be the best thing for me.

For now, I will bury my selfish desires, I can live without the physical contact, I don't think I could live with myself if I made him uncomfortable in any way. So I will ignore it and smile, I will go at his pace and maybe one day we'll move at the same pace.

8:20 pm

I feel like shit.

I am a shit person.

Violet is mad at me, or at least upset with me.

I didn't know the plans were gonna come up, and I understand that she will be here longer than the two days of said plans. I will be all hers for damn near every day after that.

I don't want to just cancel said plans either, but she's upset because we have been planning on her coming to visit for over a month, and I get that, truly I do, but I don't want to just close everyone off because she's coming down, especially with Jacob.

I hate how this feels.

It's like a throw-up kinda feeling.

I hate it.

I know this the feeling of guilt, I understand that very well, I understand why I feel guilty, in a way I don't believe I should feel guilty.

I am allowed to do what I want.

Her being upset with me, I hate it.

I'm debating on cancelling everything to make her happy again.

I'm not sure yet.