Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-11-11

Currently sitting at the park near Jacobs house on the swing. I simply do not wish to go home yet despite it being close to 10 pm.

He wouldn't touch me. Or hardly did anyway. It hurt a little, made me wonder if it was because Justin was there, as he had no issues prior.

It hurt.

We still haven't kissed and god I wanna cry.

I was gonna call Vi but I think Grey is over so there is no point in bothering her further. She's already upset over all of it.

Says that I'm a coward and that we are moving too slow. Which admittedly is true in a sense. But she genuinely seems annoyed by it all so I think it may be best to just stop bugging her with it all.

I should just stop telling people my problems in general. I'm becoming bothersome again. I'm terrible. Such a terrible person. Terrible friend. Terrible significant other. Terrible sibling. Terrible child. Terrible student. Terrible worker. Terrible owner. I'm bad.

Bad for people. Bad for myself. A burden.  Such a burden. So very terrible.

Why am I here? It doesn't matter.

None of it matters. At the end of the day I will die. People will care for a day, maybe two, and that'll be it. Everyone dies. I am just a person. Just another person in someone else's story. An extra. A throwaway.

God fucking damn it. I can't do this shit. I can't. No more. I should just lay down and never move again. Stop bothering people.

I wouldn't trouble them anymore.

They would be alright. No one remembers the extra that died, they are forgotten by the next episode. Irrelevant.

Do you think he would come after me if I left? That he would give a damn at all? Maybe I'm simply another person to him.

I love him. I truly do. But this shit hurts. 

Maybe it's because I'm just sitting here in the dark at this stupid little park because some part of me hoped that if I told him I was less then 2 minutes away that he would come. That he would care about the creepy lady that stood at the bench for a little too long. That he would care that despite going "home" half an hour ago I am still on the same street as him.

A hopeless little wish. I should be smarter than this. And yet I'm a fool.

I should of thought about every possible scenario, acknowledged the negative possibilities rather then putting hope on the least likely outcome.

When did I stop thinking? Preping myself for everything? When did that happen? When did I start believing in hope and wishing stars?

A fool is all I am.

An irrelevant side character that is nothing more than a fool.

11:01 pm

I walked home crying like an idiot over the phone with Violet. She called after I mentioned that I was walking home, which is comforting.

I'm not sure if it was a question or just the general urge to spew everything out of my mouth that caused me to cry, but I did.

And while I regret making her have to listen to all of it, I don't regret saying it all aloud.

She thinks Justin is causing problems again, seeing as we were fine for 3 weeks and then suddenly Justin shows up and things fuck up.

I don't want to complete blame Justin, as it is partly our fault for even bothering to listen to him in the first place. Not only that but I truly do wish to believe that Justin is my friend.

Friends don't hurt friends like that, right?

I'm not sure. I told Jacob that I got home alright, though I think he went to bed, which is alright.

I doubt he would ignore me. I have yet to give him a reason to. A small fear yes.

I am glad that the overthinking has returned after my blatant stupidity. Its better this way.