Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-12-28

Couple things.

Mum asked me basically for my entire pay check to cover this month's rent. So there's that.

It would be selfish to say no but I do not want to give her damn near all my money because she cannot control her spending habits.

I know this is the case because she said so herself. Complained about how she always spends too much every year.

And I get that in a way, I wasn't exactly cheap with my gifts, spent a good several hundred. I don't regret it per say, but at the same time I was watching what I was buying and making sure I didn't spend every fucking nickle I had.

Of course this makes me sound petty, but at the same time I'm not the one with a shitty credit score, I'm the one with a job, and I've been the one buying over half the groceries.

On to something else.

Have you ever thought about writing down every thought you had in let's say an hour.

My head is usually a mess and even as I write this now I have background thoughts that I'm trying to ignore so this is sensible. I often find it difficult to get my mind to focus on something, be it because my brain is constantly connecting words to other things or because my emotions seem to all have their own theme song and are a constant at the back of my head, only periodically changing depending on if my brain decides a specific song fits a different emoji better.

To put it simply, when I'm not feeling heavy amounts of emotion, or what I call neutral,  its the Wii theme. Has been for a few years but you learn to tune it out. Same could be said for words and things I see. They have to be attached to something else or my brain doesn't process it well and I "buffer" for a second. This usually ends up like me connecting colours to certain foods or people, like white is Jacob and pink is Vi but red is apple or truck while green usually tends to be leaf or grape.

I've always found it odd but never really focused on it too much. The way I've explained it about a dozen times was that my brain has like 17 tabs open at all times, at least three are playing music and one has a hidden pop up ad.

This obviously causes issues from time to time, I know I tend to space out or I have delayed responses as I try and figure out what the person has asked of me, I also tend to forgot things if I'm given multiple tasks that aren't written down in some way, this is regularly shown at work where I've been told to do a chore and then go on break, only to forget that I've been told to go on break and continue to help about until told otherwise or reminded.

Now it doesn't bug me all too much, though I can tell through some of these logs that I have a tendency to bounce between topics or even repeat myself periodically.

Others don't tend to mind all that much either. Some prefer that I'm like this, as they don't understand what's going on but get a sense of authority when I have to ask what to do next or need to be reminded, it makes them feel better when I pause because despite my thought process I am not an complete idiot and can tell when people feel better about themselves.

My point of it all is that I wonder what would happen if I just mindlessly typed away every thought instead of just focusing on the loudest one, the one that's allowing me to type at this very moment with no interruptions. Would it be a jumbled mess? How many thoughts would get cut off? Would there be any relevance to them or would they just appear as they so deemed necessary? It's hard to say really.

Unless of course I just do it and see what happens. Its currently 5:33 am, which means I'm tired and emotionally compromised, meaning my thoughts aren't restrained as they would usually be.

Let's begin.

●
How much money do I have left
Luci being loud can hear
Red
I typed a lot
Miss him
Hes been rather upset lately
Mum is
I'm hungry
Not so much hungry
Odd feeling
Tired
That stupid fucking song again third time today
Monster
Shes so loud
Quiet
Static
Can hear static
Fuck
I need a new wall
Clothes felt cotton wool
Sheep
Tommy has a goat
Which isn't a sheep but
Cheesecake in the fridge
Don't like that one
Cherry better
Light yellow
Always on
I remember doing this at school
Where did that paper go
It was full of
I miss Jacob
I see him Thursday
Hopefully
Unless it comes
Evil thing
Loud not loud
Wall
Hades
Soft
Static
Itchy
Hand burns
Always burns
Ripped it off feels better
Luci is being
Auto correct
Fuxks up my grammar
Twitter
I'm horny
Kind of not really
Do you remember clever bot
It called me Alex
I don't look like an Alex
I know an Alex
Simbaaaaaaa
Monkey hold cat
I want a monkey
But that movie says its a bad idea
Which movie
Hungry
Tired
Blue green tree
Soft
Bed
Tired
Should sleep
When is work
Today or tomorrow
Later
I miss him
I'd let him fuck me honestly
Babies
My boobs hurt
I can hear water in my stomach sometimes
Its a weird sound
Metal
Where metal
Down or up
Scrap
Down
Its down
Can hear
Glass
Fork maybe
Dishes
Neighbors
Many people for small building
Silence
Whered go
Jingle jingle
Slide
Itchy
Doesn't like face
Need knee one
There's a stag shop in town
Was mentioned at work
Where tho
Can't recall
Giant tiger area maybe
Or shoppers
Who mentioned it
What time do I need to be up at
If I go to bed at 6 I can wake up at 11 which is five hours
More sleep
Tired
Fuck
I can hear my heartbeat
Its loud
Cars
Vent
Hot
Too hot
Red red
Red
Red
Buttons vibrate too
Do you think he would be up to control it
The remote ones that are wireless
I don't know where to find those ones honestly
Can't find them online
Probably expensive
How much money do I have again
$70
Ish
Kind of
Bought food
Lots of food
Not really
Its enough food for a little bit
Tired
I want to puke
Cats
Vent
Vent is on
Loud
Not as loud as static
Should stop
Enough
Cat
●
I wonder if I should have added the music as well. Its currently 5:49 am, so I didn't do that for too long but yeah.

It seems calmer, then again it can be difficult to type on here at times and blocking out the main thought, or the loudest one can be difficult when trying, like really trying to focus.