Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-02-26

I have reached a dilemma.

Its causing me not to be able to sleep.

I've been stressing over it for days and have recently started waking up panicking and anxious.

I'm going to have to give up Luci. Not because of financial issues, we are poor but not poor enough to not have two cats, nor is it because I no longer care for her, it's not because mother is forcing me to, and its not because I wouldn't be able to keep her once I move out.

She is starting to gain behavioral issues, I say starting but they have been there for well over six months and I had originally just been trying to deal with it on my own, hell I had been actively hiding it up until recently. Its not as though I didn't attempt to correct the behavior,  I did, time and time again, a light smack, being put in the carrier, a spray bottle, hell I had even got a second litter box at one point thinking she just didn't like sharing with her sister. It didn't work so it was tossed, twas a single use one its fine.

Mother has given me an ultimatum. If it has not stopped within the next few weeks, then she is to go. She will be either given to humane society, or she will be euthanized.

I have been given permission to get another cat afterwards, as long as this cat is spayed and or neutered.

I feel like I'm replacing her. I know Naomi needs it, she grew up being social and requires another cat around. I don't wish to replace her. But I can't keep doing this.

I am annoyed. And I am angry. And I am sad. And I am afraid. And I am stressed. And I am anxious.

And I keep pushing everything down, it will be a problem for another day, its not something I need to worry about.

I feel like crying.

Jacob spent a good 15 minutes trying to get me to cry, which sounds terrible, but I understand where he's coming from. He doesn't like that I try to portray that I am always okay, I'm no fool I know I'm not. I just don't know how to express it other people without being a drama queen.

I am a terrible person.

I keep waking up in a panic, filled with anxiety and no real spacial awareness. I know I already said this but yesterday was the worst one yet.

I had sprung up, I couldn't think but I could hear my heart in my ears, I could hardly breathe yet I was hyperventilating, my vision danced and I couldn't focus on any one thing. This continued for a good 10 minutes before I was able to shift my self from my sitting position and I accidently hit a coin roll I had missed that night as I was putting them away.

This has happened 6 times in the last two weeks.

I'm broken and I don't know what to fix.

I can't even push off the process because I don't know what to push away.

I'm tired.

I have work today. At 2. I don't want to go, hell I debated on calling in, but I won't. I need the money, not exactly sure how much I need but I need a bit.