Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-09-08

I've come to the realization that I am incapable of distinguishing between platonic and romantic relationships.

I realized this when I acknowledged that I felt the same way for Vi that I did Jacob, and then felt like vomiting because despite being my person, she is nothing but my sister and I cannot see her as anything more, which good acknowledgement on my part.

But then I started thinking about it, and its all the same, all of my feelings for everyone (friend/romantic wise) are the same, sure some are stronger than others, which help distinguish to an extent, but surface level they are all the same.

I'm not sure what its called but yeah its there. I'm unsure of what to do with this information, I simply just have to keep it clear in my mind certain things regarding relationships.

4:11 pm

I think I accidentally put a wedge in between Kayden and Jacob, as Kayden is quick to practically leave behind that entire group at the drop of a hat if I were to simply ask.

Which would also drag Zander away as he is only partaking in the group because of Kayden.

I feel a type of guilt, especially since Kayden has been keeping me updated on whats going on and actively told me he would tell me if someone says anything about me, which is kind of him

But I never intended to cause any problems, he found out on his own and asked me about it. I haven't even spoken to any of the friends Jacob and I shared with the exception of Kayden, who reached out to me, and Karson, who has been keeping me updated on his collage life.

However, a sicker more twisted part of myself feels smug.

Some part of me thinks Jacob expects me to go back to him, to apologize and give up on my baby dream just for him, or at the very least he hopes that if he complains enough I'll eventually cave under the guilt and go back.

But I can't and I won't, not unless he offers to get me pregnant, and we both know he won't.

11:54

Was hanging with a coworker, dude definitely was trying to get some  prolly hoped he could get me drunk enough for it.

Such a touchy boy

I have to use the bathroom

Yeah no, he keeps complimenting me, which is sweet honestly, but I'm pretty sure he mentioned a girlfriend at some point and I ain't a homewrecker.

Plus I've heard coworkers dating don't mix well

He is sweet tho, and as cruel as it sounds, I might use him for a baby, as he was talking about breaking up with his gf.

I dunno, my virgin ass is indecisive, I'd usually ask Vi but she's a bit stressed right now with other things.