Thoughts (Part 2!)

2024-01-22

Yes its the new year, I don't wish to speak of my absence I just want to get straight into it before my thoughts eat me.

Why is that everyone thinks I'm joking all the time? Why do they automatically assume that things I'm saying aren't true?

I'm sitting here and I'm telling them to their faces that I don't want to be here anymore. I'm telling them I have it planned out. I'm telling them I'm so close to falling off into the deep end that it's literally killing me.

But they keep taking it as a joke.

I don't know how more open I need to be about it.

Do I need to scream it? To shout it from the roof tops? To beg for the help that I've been trying to cling to only to be told to stop fucking around?

If I do it, will they try and say they never saw the signs? That they never saw it coming? Will they lie and say I was happy?

Would they even honor my wishes for my funeral? To be burned with things important to me and for the ashes to be tossed away as I do not want my family or anyone close to me to keep them.

I don't want a stone in the ground and I don't want an urn. I want to be free.

I don't want to be confinded and under the control of someone else. I want the one thing I don't have in life and I want freedom.

Mother will not give me this. She already stated she would keep my ashes, even though I argued it.

I've told so many people. . .

People at work
My friends
Old friends
Family
Strangers even

They think I'm lying and joking around. And sure I have a few times, but I've literally said I wanted to die, I've explained verbally how I would do it, I literally just got finished saying I didn't want to be here and he fucking asked me to stop joking around.

Is it cruel to want to prove them wrong?

Probably.

Pietro I am not a good person, I don't deserve a good end.

People like me, like us, don't do happy endings.

.
.
.

Sometimes I like to think of myself as Jupiter.

Did you know that Jupiter was meant to be a star and failed? This had a lot to do with its lack of gravitational pull. As far as I know anyway.

Now I don't think I could have been a star, but fuck if I wasn't originally meant for more and just failed.

I had to of been meant for more, no? This couldn't have been what I was destined to do.

I want peace. I want quiet. I want to be free.

I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to be here anymore.

Are you listening? Do you hear my plea, Pietro?

I beg you to acknowledge my pleads for help.
I beg for you to hear me.

Don't just push it off. Please hear me. I'm right here.

Don't ignore me, I'm not joking.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to be here.

Please hear me

I'm asking for help

I'm begging.

I don't know if I want to go yet

But I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm not joking. I'm not telling a lie. I'm not asking for attention.

Hear me. Listen to me.

.
.
.
But you don't exist. You never existed. You were never here. And while you may listen, there is nothing you can do.

Nothing she can do.
Nothing he can do.

You don't exist.

And when I finally accept that they all think I'm joking. . .

I won't either.