Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-03-17

I should probably upload these soon.

Its not even as though I haven't been on the account either, cuz I have been.

I've been writing a lot, tis but a wee spark honestly. However it is there.

Only thing that's really ruining it is that I have to get a new laptop, my current one refuses to connect to the wifi, just this wifi, any other is fine but not this one. Its frustrating but a new laptop means I can play games.

I can stream. I might rope Grey into it, if and when he's feeling better, Vi and Jacob too. Just gonna have a wonderful little server full of friends.

Thats if they're willing to play with me anyway.

I finally get a small break from work and wouldn't you guess it she had me cleaning, has me doin laundry with her later today. 

She's been pissing me off lately. Especially regarding dresses.

Prom is coming up, shocker, I'm going.

Only problem right now is dress choice. She wants me to wear something that clings to the skin, leaves nothing to the imagination and restricts mobility. I hate bodycon shit, I don't like my body and have no interest in showing it off.

But she wants mermaid dresses or those dresses usually only seen at company parties in movies. I don't want that and she doesn't understand.

I don't want glitter. I don't want weird bows. I don't want ugly designs. I don't want thigh high dresses. I don't want something that clings to me. I don't want sleeveless.

I want damn near floor length, that bellows out just before the waist, a flat colour black, green or blue, and some fucking sleeves because I don't like my arms.

I found the perfect dress, it's beautiful, I believe so anyway. Its perfect. It fits what I want damn near to a tee.

But she hates it. Has stated she hates it. Over and over again.

She won't stop with these ugly dresses, the kind the obnoxious bitches in high-school movies would wear cuz they think they look pretty. You don't, your outfit is dumb, whore.

I just

I want to pick my own thing

I want it to be my thing

I don't want a bunch of makeup or overly fancy heels, I don't need a fancy purse or accessories, my hair is fine as it is though I might dye it before prom.

I want it to be how I want it and I want her to stop trying to live her fucking life threw mine.

I get it, your prom was shit. I get that you raised your kids poorly. I get that you worked in one place and felt like you were gonna work there for the rest of your life. I get that you can settle for marriage. I get that you think that I reassemble you so fucking much that if you try and force my hand eventually I will become the perfect little life that you wanted for yourself and failed to achieve.

But it won't happen.

The second I get the chance I will leave.

I will cut contact.

I won't look back.

And I won't regret a single thing.

I am a selfish human being. If it doesn't benefit me in some way, I don't care for it much, I don't believe there is much point to it. I am mentally unwell. I lack a certain amount of empathy, especially for those I care little for. Cruel,  maybe. But oh well

And yes, you brought me into your world, no? Don't worry about threatening to take me out of it anymore, I'll more than happily see myself out.