Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-09-15

See? It was fine, stop being an idiot, people simply have lives outside of you, stop being selfish.

On a different note, um well I've been dating Jacob for a little over three months now and I guess I was just expecting a little more? If that makes any sense.

I know I said I would go at his pace but he really isn't putting any effort in.

I guess it's just the little things, like me having to start conversations or him not waiting for me after school despite me doing so.

He looks happy when he gets me to laugh, so I know he doesn't dislike me, but he doesn't really seem to care about my wellbeing, never checks in or anything like that.

Relationships require two people but it feels like it's just me. . .

I am getting frustrated, I won't deny that. I enjoy kisses and find them to be addictive, though we haven't kissed once. He only accepts hand holding when I'm tired, this goes for "cuddling" too, though thats just my head resting on his shoulder. There are little touches too, but they are grade school shit. He's accepting hugs now, well at the end of the day anyway. . .

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all.

Not everyone likes having a touchy feely kind of relationship, he very well could be one of those people.

Maybe it's just me being jealous of the relationships I see in the halls.

Am I wrong to want more affection?

I truly don't want to push him but it's been three months. Three months of crappy communication and little affection.

Maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the pet names and the hugs and the cheesy pickup lines and affection and the clear love.

I don't got that. . .

Never really had it, honestly.

Do you think he would care if I cried? Or maybe he'd just tell me it's a "skill issue". He says that a lot haha. Which I don't have a problem with, I swear, he just uses it a lot.

I honestly don't know what I expected when I got into a relationship with him. . .

Maybe I expected for things to just happen, for it to be like Gaige, even if that ended poorly.

Is it sad that some days I want that back? Maybe it was because he hugged me regularly, he kissed me, he actually cuddled me. I miss that bit.

My current relationship feels forced almost. . . I fell in love with Jacob, despite my relatively negative mindset I do know what love feels like.

Yet I don't think he actually returns those feelings, at least not the same way. In a lot of ways I believe it's because he's never had a girlfriend and is more in love with the idea of having one rather than be concerned over who it is. Which admittedly hurts a bit.

I want to be loved.

I understand that I am unattractive, I am no ones first choice in anything really.

Yet I still just want to be loved. . .

Maybe I don't deserve it.

That makes sense honestly.

I don't deserve love. I can love someone with all my heart, give them my everything and still not be their top priority despite being mine.

It happens time and time again.

Even those that won't openly admit it, my mother, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, hell even I put myself down as second choice, putting everyone else above me. I understand it isn't healthy. There is only so much I can do to fix that though.

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. Of my own accord. I don't want to be allowed to sit in silence, to listen to my negative thoughts as they scream in my head.

I'm tired. . .

Would you pick me, Pietro?

God I sound terrible.

Self depreciation isn't attractive you know.

I've decided to cut off my promise.

I hate breaking promises, but I can't allow one to tether me like it does, to hold me even when I want to go.

Not now, of course. Not for a while. I'm a coward, you see.

But if the time ever comes then I don't need the promise of eight year olds stopping me.

You should sleep, it's late, or early if you will.

Good night.