Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-06-17

Let's go over the nicer things before I delve into what is causing me to write today.

First of all, Tuesday was Jacob and I's one year anniversary, time really floated by quickly. He's willing to have sex with me but not until we have protection which was disheartening and I doubt the rejection will fade any time soon but yeah.

Secondly, I got Vi a new phone, her old one was rubbish and it felt nice getting her it.

Now onto other matters.

My relationship with my mother is dwindling more and more, sooner or later one of us is going to snap at the other and it is simply a matter of when.

I haven't been attending school, I see no point at this point. I've already failed and I have no intentions of going back at this point. I can't even particularly say I tried because I gave up long ago.

She wants me to keep going despite my wishes not to, insists on stupid things like "wanting at least one of her children to graduate so she doesn't seem like a complete failure". Isn't it nice how she always makes it about herself?

Not that I'm too bothered by it at this point.

She's done all this on her own.

She doesn't care about me, not the way a mother should.

I understand where my selfish tendencies come from and while either could be to blame, I'm pointing my fingers at Val.

I don't understand why it all has to go back to her. Its not our fault we came up the way we did.

Shes constantly complaining about being tired, brushing off when I say I'm tired. She isn't even trying to better herself, when given a possible solution to any of her problems she'll brush it off and claim that she has already tried that even though it isn't remotely true.

One day, she will reach out to me, asking me for help and I will be happy when I tell her to go fuck herself.

She can shame me if she wants for it all, I don't care.

There was once a small part of me that still cared despite the mistreatment, she is unfortunately my mother after all so one part of me still cared despite my resentment.

However, I feel not a single positive emotion for her at this point. Looking at my memories I find little happiness and when there is some there she finds a way to ruin it in some way.

I feel angry, and tired, and used, and tossed to the side, and dehumanized, and more like something to show off rather than a child.

She tried to guilt me yesterday while looking at cards, making me spend $14 on cards for a man I do not see as my father. She didn't even offer to pay for them you know. Anyway she kept pointing out the graduation cards, complaining saying she was looking forward to purchasing one this year.

Though I know better. She wouldn't have bought it herself. She would have had me buy it.

I hate her.

This house feels unsafe. I struggle to sleep, to eat, to just exist.

I binged the other day too and I hate myself for it, though I felt better after I gave Dezaree my food. It meant I didn't have to eat all of it.

I don't know how much longer I can stay here for. She is insufferable.

I'm so fucking tired