Thoughts (Part 2!)

2024-03-26

I feel as though I'm drifting.

I exist but I don't.

I'm just here.

My contact with others is becoming more and more limited and sure I speak to Jacob on a daily but that is it.

Would it be cruel to write the letters out now? To put my all into them and hide them away in a box?

I think it would be, I don't have a date set anyway.

Sometimes though I think I'm just waiting. Be it for that final push or to give up trying, I couldn't tell you either to be fair.

I purchased Jacob's birthday present, it arrived despite his birthday not being for like two months from now. I saw it, bought it and decided to just hold onto it. I think he might be annoyed when it inevitably is dropped by myself at his door, especially since I told him not to get me anything for mine back in January. Argued it for a long time in fact.

I'm slowly learning Punjabi from my coworkers, it's entertaining learning swear words, but I do enjoy other things too. I like their words for colours, their word for friend, I enjoy telling the girls that they are beautiful in the language only a select few understand. It makes them feel better about themselves. Makes them smile.

I plan to learn more, their happiness is infectious and I feel the growing urge to make them happier, to make them proud.

The feeling started after I learned my first swear, it was honestly in good fun, I had no real reason to learn the word but I was bored and I always enjoy knowing a swear or two in a different language.

What is the point?
There is no end goal, no fairytale ending, no storybook love.

I want what Aunt Katie has. A long happy relationship, one that has lasted for over two decades and still going strong. I want the family, the happily ever after.

I think my story ends when my written works do. When I finish writing my book series and publish them, whether they do good or not, if my life has not picked up, if nothing has changed, then that is where my story ends too.

I'm sorry.

But I'm tired.

And I don't want to be here.