Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-08-03

Hiya!

Been a few days, hasn't it?

I'm not sure what I need to type out honestly, sometimes I just get the urge to and well here I am.

Jacob is getting bolder with some of his comments, its cute when he laughs at me for getting flustered.

I also found out that he isn't uncomfortable around me at all. In fact he has been working up the courage to kiss me.

It's almost as though Justin has been trying to manipulate me. Him encouraging me not to hang out with Jacob more often because it would make me the clingy girlfriend only solidified these thoughts.

I didn't want to think like this, but it started bugging me that every time I got close to Jacob Justin always had something to say that was along the lines of "he looks uncomfortable".

It's annoying honestly.

Oh, Jacob and I went on a walk the other day and saw this dude who we have been calling Sensei Peter. He was just a crackhead with a pole, but good entertainment until we decided he was getting a little too close to us and left.

I'm having problems sleeping again. It's not as aggressive as before, not to the point of actual breakdowns or anything. It's more so just a hit of a bother, always being a little too tired, wanting to fall asleep but knowing I'd be laying there for hours trying to even get a solid 20 minutes, regularly waking up throughout the hours. It's just draining.

These kids in Vi's friend group are really starting to test my patience.

I can deal with suicidal people, I can deal with depression, I can deal with anxiety, hell I've dealt with abuse cases.

But these kids really know how to get on my last nerve. You'd think the other stuff would be harder, that it wouldn't be the sex and drugs that are pissing me off, but they are.

I have patience, I know I do, I babysat Caleb for months so I know for a fact I have patience, but it hasn't even been 3 weeks and I've already snapped at one of them. I felt like shit for it but they aren't listening to my patience and my kindness.

I don't want to be that person that snaps at people when they run out of patience but I just can't be nice anymore. I'm not sure if it's the situations with the 18-year-olds or the drugs but they just don't want to listen.

I'm a bitch, I know I am, it's one of the things that causes me to question why Jacob loves me.

Because I am selfish and an ass and one of the most self-deprecating people I know. I'm not pretty, I suck at most things I do, I question everything, I'm clingy and need some kind of physical love because no matter what I say it is driving me mad, I'm sarcastic and honestly just a shit person overall.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why he loves me.

Some part of me wonders if it's because I'm the only one that ever expressed feelings for him. If that could possibly be the reason why he said he loved me in the first place.

Of course this is a possibility, I never said it couldn't be.

I just hope that it isn't the actual reason.

I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

My head has been killing me these last few days and I think it's because of my shit sleep.

Who knows