Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-02-13

I came here to express thoughts but I'm unsure of what thoughts I need and or want to get out. It was but an urge, like the urge to write but not knowing what to write.

Its frustrating nonetheless.

My plans are falling apart in front of me. I'm unsure of what to do. Nothing is working and I can only rely on so many different things before I become frustrated.

I care little for people these days and the list of those I do care for has significantly shrunk as time passes. I can play the friendship game, sure, I can pretend as long as there is still entertainment, but I'm unsure of where that puts me. It makes me sound cruel and what not, but its not as though I don't care for them at all, but maybe I'm simply at a point where if they left and never came back it wouldn't bug me all that much.

There are exceptions to this of course, Jacob and Violet being the main two, it would drive me mad to lose either.

Sometimes I can feel the anxiety crawling up my skin. I hate it. Its terrible. It clings to me. The paranoia, the constant feeling of being judged, the suffocating feeling whilst walking along the halls. I've gotten used to the people in a sense, or more so when there is a large wall between us.

Nethaniel has yet to return, nor do I think he will but I no longer care. I no longer consider him family.

I think I have a concussion. I dropped a box of trays on my head the other day, and later that night I started developing a headache, I became nauseous and dizzy. Its been a day and the headache comes and goes, followed by nausea and dizzy spells, not including the light sensitivity. Mum asked if my neck was sore, and my response was stiff, so she decided that all my symptoms are caused by the neck stiffness. I don't agree, personally. But I'm in no mood to argue, so I'll stick to taking pain meds when the headaches get worse and just hope all of it passes. I haven't had a concussion since like 8th grade, its an odd feeling really.

I'll be off for now. I have class in the morning.

9:05 pm

My health means nothing to her.

My headache continues as does my dizzy spells and nausea. I told her and she said that it's simply a migraine.

I burned myself at work today and cried, I had spilled a large coffee all over my left arm and a large portion of my stomach and it hurt a lot, I got sent home obviously after an incident report was made.

I told mum and her response was that I was fine and that I can stop crying.

My health means nothing to her.

Every single person I have told about my headaches and dizzy spells with the explanation of when they started have told me to go to the doctor.

She keeps telling me I'm fine but I don't think I am. It hurts.

I don't want to stay here anymore.

My only fast out is gone and I don't know what to do anymore.

It hurts. My head hurts. My arm hurts. My stomach stings.

I want out. I want freedom.

I can't stay here.

I don't know who to talk to about it. I need an opinion I can trust and any time I bring up that mum says I'm fine they back down and act as though I never said anything to begin with.

Maybe she's right.

I could just be being over dramatic, making a fool of myself. I always make things bigger than they are, its just how it is.

I'm sure I'm fine. I'm making it a big deal for no reason.

I'm the problem.