Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-06-07

You ever get that feeling in your stomach that you are hungry but you also acknowledge that you've been eating too much recently and feel disgusting, so despite being hungry you can't get yourself to eat anything.

And I mean sure it ain't healthy, but it makes you feel a little better in the head knowing you aren't eating anymore.

Get that sense in the head that you don't deserve to eat. Its unnecessary. Being wasteful. Big enough as is why add more?

Its terrible really.

And if you really think about it, I didn't eat a whole lot while she was here either, I injested enough to keep up appearances, ate a bag of chips or two and felt like vomiting, but as long as everything seems normal its fine.

At one point I thought she figured it out, had she of been here longer I have no doubt she would have pointed it out. I kept giving her my meals, eating enough for it to be okay and then passing it off to someone else. It wasn't just food, drinks too.

I am aware that it is unhealthy, I'm not that stupid.

But with the encouragement not to eat as much and the fading feeling of being hungry, and the stupid positive image of possibly being smaller. . .

I want food, I know the only food I inevitably end up eating is unhealthy, or when I allow myself to binge and then hate myself for it, especially when they judge me for. Making comments.

I can't please those two. No matter how much I eat its too much to them.

I've felt nothing but guilt all weekend, trying to just be good and eat because I don't wanna worry her, and sure I let it slip that mother and Everton think its good that I've dropped down how much I'm eating, but nothing more than that. I bought candy and snacks and fast food and all sorts of junk and yet I ended up giving most of it to her.

You shoulda seen how happy she was when I gave her the candy that was bought, while at mostly did it becauilse I knew I wouldn't eat it, I would do it again for her.

I would drop every cent in my account for her, and sure I sound like some love sick partner, but I'm not. My sister means everything to me, Violet is my person and I'm aware I'm not hers, it doesn't bother me much anymore, but I'm not stupid. She's my person and I'd drop everything for her, I do as she says, I buy the things she wants even if I fake complain, I sit and socialize despite hating having to leave my room, I go out around people despite being uncomfortable, I'd relive this life all over again, the shitty parts and all, just for her. It sounds extremely obsessive and I'm unsure of how to explain it any other way. She'll read this as well and I'm not bothered as I've told her most of this in person before.

However, I would much rather not have her worrying over me. It's highly unnecessary.

One day I'll find that person that sees me as their person, as I'm not foolish enough to believe Jacob sees me as his.

I've also discovered that part of the reason for my tiredness, irritability, dizzy spells, nausea and possibly the mood drops is due to a caffeine withdrawal. I suppose I should have taken it slowly before just cutting the energy drinks outta my life, probably wouldn't have been this bad lol.

The tattoos went well. I plan getting more, maybe a death mark, ooh a teddy would be nice too, and a crown. I have far too many ideas but I'll figure them all out eventually.

Imma go drink some water, maybe nibble on bread. Good night, Pietro.