Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-07-25

Do you think that if I stopped messaging them they'd message me first for once?

I hate having to be the one to start conversations. I always have to start them with everyone I'm supposed to be close to.

So do you honestly think that if I stopped messaging them for a few days that they'd notice? Would they even care at all?

Is it really possible for me to completely vanish and no one would notice?

Why does that hurt so much?

Why does it hurt to think about no one noticing my absence?

11:09 pm

No one would notice

No one would care

That's how it always is and how it always will be.

I am at a point of not even being someone's second choice. I'm their third or fourth choice.

I don't deserve any of them anyway.

They could do so much better than me. In any kind of way, sibling, friendship, relationship. . .

I am bad

Bad for everything

Not good

Never good

Only bad

Bad gets nothing

Deserve nothing

I am bad therefore deserve nothing

Why does it hurt?

I want to be okay

I need to be okay

I am good sometimes, right?

I can be good for people? I can make them happy? I can do good?

I'm not just bad

I can't just be bad

Not how it works, right?

Violet says I'm a bad noodle and in most ways I know it is nothing but a joke, something not meant to be taken seriously yet sometimes it makes me wonder how much truth is behind the stupid little words on the screen that are meant to be lighthearted.

It's stupid to think like this of course.

I know it is

Yet I'm stupid so it fits

It hurts to breathe

My lungs are burning and it feels like my chest is caving in

I know the feeling will pass eventually, but it hurts.

Crying hurts too. It burns my face.

I'm sorry

I'm not sure what I'm sorry for just yet but maybe if I apologize things will get a little better.

So I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

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I'm sorry