Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-08-19

I am becoming increasingly irritated with Justin.

Maybe my annoyance is caused by the lack of affection I have received in the last few weeks, and by lack of I mean none. Nothing with the exception of the digital "love you" s I receive from time to time.

Of course I should be grateful. It is not often that I receive (what I assume to be) genuine "I love you"'s. I shouldn't complain when it is given yet here I am.

I just want one hug.

He used to give them to me all the time and I haven't gotten one in weeks.

I think tonight pissed me off even more, which is when I realized that Justin keeps rushing everyone out the door.

He is always pushing to leave. I always try and stay last but I can't if they continue on like this.

I just want one fucking hug.

I sound selfish but I want and need the affection. The physical confermation that he actually cares for me, even if only a little.

It's irritating me.

Justin knows he doesn't like PDA, which is why I avoid hugging him in public.

It kind of hurts in a way.

How I can't express my love the way I want and need to.

I won't push the physical contact, I already swore that we would go at his pace, and I swear I would never overstep that.

But it just hurts I guess.

I want to be able to hug him and hold his hand and cuddle and kiss. I want to do this stuff. . .

I won't force it, but nothing has changed but the label of our relationship and the more frequented messages. Sure his comments get a little bold from time to time but that's it.

I'm just being selfish, I know this.

It does not stop the painful feeling in my chest when I realized it all.

Justin always has a reason to leave faster. Tonights was that we were "taking up Jacob's personal time" and that Jacob "didn't want to spend more time with us then he had to". I think this one hurt a bit more than I'd like to admit.

Justin is always quick to remind me not to become the clingy s/o. . . Always the one to tell me that I shouldn't bug Jacob too much. He always follows these up with something positive about the relationship, but it is hard to ignore the negative comments that often come before and after these positive comments.

I don't want to be the clingy s/o.

I don't want to be the one that pushes too hard.

I just want a nice relationship that I can feel comfortable around my partner.

Jacob makes me feel safe, giving me some kind of calmness yet also a wonderful nervous feeling.

But that is just his presence.

I'm not sure how to explain it honestly.

But this isn't what I was looking for. I'm not going to break it off if that's what you're thinking. No, I still very much so care for him and love him in a romantic sense. I just wish that things were less awkward, more smooth and comfortable.

I am unsure of whether or not we will ever get to that point, especially with Justin around. I hope one day we do though.

Though I am starting to doubt Justin's care for my well-being. Especially as he swerved around and laughed as I panicked in the seat beside him.

I understand that my fears are irrational, yet every time he swerved a little too hard or when he accidentally hit the curb, I felt my chest tighten up as I clutched onto the door and pulled my legs up as far as they could go. I was trying to make myself as tight as possible, immovable.

I understand though, the fear is stupid, yet he laughed at my tiny shriek when he almost hit another car.

It is stupid to be so afraid of being in a car, stupid to feel so nervous whilst inside one no matter how much I trust the driver, stupid that my lungs feel like they are collapsing when the breaks get slammed on a little too hard. So very stupid, yet it happens.

And for him to laugh about it despite knowing I am terrified? Well, I'm honestly not sure how to deal with it.

I don't want to say he did it on purpose, I could never truly say that. But that doesn't stop my trust from wavering.

I'm not sure if I want to get in the car with him again. . .