Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-09-29

So I've been thinking, mostly about kissing Jacob. No, hasn't happened yet, I doubt it more and more every day.

Though I think about it regularly.

I think about when it could happen, if it's ever going to happen, if I should initiate, how it could play out today.

I almost did it yesterday.

But two things stopped it, one, I am a coward, and two, our dear friend Karson arrived. Not gonna do that in front of him.

It's stupid to think about it so often.

He hugged me yesterday, like on his own accord without me initiating it. I will not deny my smile after that.

I enjoy the small amounts of affection I've been receiving.

I think it was mostly caused by his worry, which is shocking cause I didn't think he would notice. I just hadn't been feeling well, it was the usual, a never ending headache and enough lack of sleep to have me zoning out.

I'll fix my sleep eventually, I swear. It's just not my current problem. I'm living, you know, with an energy drink or two from time to time, but living.

I've become excited for art, I genuinely enjoy this year, the freedom is wonderful.

We are currently doing sculptures and I can't wait to be able to show you mine. It won't be for a long while but I'm so bloody excited.

Back to my lovely boyfriend.

I wanna kiss him.

Maybe it's because I just truly love kissing.

Or maybe I just like when he takes control.

He has a really strong grip, like the kind that could leave bruises. Not in a bad way.

I can't make eye contact with him when he grabs my wrist like that, it's usually to stop me from doing something dumb or mildly annoying. But I feel shameful for my thoughts and the heat in my cheeks whenever it happens.

Not that I ever really maintain eye contact as is. I'm working on it.

I'm just shameful.

Thomas exposed my praise kink, mostly anyway. Said "Oh I bet you like being degraded" and my reply was "Not quite", which his reply was "Oh so you like being praised?". My dumbass didn't answer and Jacob was just staring, waiting for answer. This caused Thomas to start laughing, and then the "bottom" comments started again.

We have many weird conversations.

Either way I'm shameful. Can't look my boyfriend in the eye because of it. Makes me feel terrible.

Stupid little fantasies. . .

I gotta fix it before he figures out honestly. If he finds out I'll just die on the spot. No questions asked. Dead. Deader than dead. Past Limbo and hidin' in the deepest pits of Helhiem.

°×°