Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-06-29

I failed high-school, which was to be expected.

The failure of it doesn't bother me, honest to goodness I couldn't care less.

I gave up months ago really.

Everyone else around me is the problem.

Mother is constantly bringing it up, every time she gets the chance to with every possible argument. It's like she thinks she'll win everything as long as she's got that on her belt too.

Jacob judged me for it too. Not much, but it was there enough. Unlike my mother, he apologized, rather quickly mind you.

People at work too. Stranger who decide to eavesdrop.

I haven't told Violet yet, though I have no doubt that she already knows, or at least has an idea. I don't wish to mention it to her. I'm not ashamed of my actions and given the chance I'd do it again.

However, her judgement would hurt far more than I'm willing to admit and I don't feel like being lectured by her when its all I've been hearing from everyone else.

Why can't anyone accept the fact that I was, and still am, tired.

I don't even get to keep most of my money, most of it going away to everyone else.

Money I worked my ass off for and then be expected to be able to go to school, socialize and you know I gotta eat too, I gotta bathe, I gotta sleep.

When was I supposed to do any of that shit with school and work? There was no time in between and god forbid I try and fix my broken sleep schedule, god forbid I try and get more than 4 hrs of sleep on average.

What was I supposed to do?!

Pick and choose?!

Mother sat there every fucking two weeks, every fucking time I got paid, sitting there saying "I'm the only reason we're surviving right now because without me working we'd starve".

Fuck am I supposed to then?

Constantly being reminded that if I let my hours drop we'll starve or my cats would starve.

And then

Hahaa

And then she wants to bitch at me for not going to school, for finally falling asleep at 3 in the morning after trying to get my shit done because again, I still need to eat, and bathe, and socialize, and fucking relax a little, or you know, homework. Constantly being on the move from 730am to 3am every fucking day, 6am-3am on Tuesdays because hell will freeze over if someone else takes out the trash.

So I'm sorry that I didn't want to go to school only to come home for 10 maybe fifteen minutes and then go to work for another 8 hours.

I'm sorry I don't want to wash everyone else's dishes because no one wants to clean up after themselves but me.

I'm sorry if I'm pissy because I'm tired and hungry but I know if I eat something in front of anyone I'll either get stared at or they'll be some stupid comment.

I'm sorry I gave up when I couldn't catch a fucking break because my manipulative narcissist of a mother decided that I needed all the pressure put on me and that nothing could possibly be wrong unless it had something to do with her because no one else can be tired but her.

I'm sorry that I am sick and tired of people comparing me to the other grade twelves that were also working despite the fact that I was working more than double their hours a week.

I'm fucking sorry that I ain't the perfect fucking kid that everyone wanted.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck her.

I'm so fucking done.