Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-09-11

Work was well work.

Slow at first, I was at the register for a while, made coffees too. I think the worst thing was sugar buckets.

Exactly what it sounds like. Spent like half an hour there sifting sugar until I figured out a faster way to do it. Honestly it was just terrible. Easy, but terrible.

The social interactions were terrible, but as are all social interactions.

9:39 pm

They're just busy. They aren't ignoring you. They are just busy. It's a busy time, work, school, day to day life.

They aren't upset with you. They aren't ignoring you.

We got over this stuff, remember? It's fine, we're fine, everything's fine.

11:48 pm

Do you think I have abandonment issues?

I had been thinking, a terrible thing really, about what would happen if they decided to ghost me, to stop answering my messages and ignoring me. It would remove any kind of relationship over time and I'd be left with yet another person that wanted nothing to do with me.

It made me cry.

Which is selfish honestly, I can be a bother and I know I'm annoying, I got a shit personality with nothing good to make up for it. I'm pushy and a people pleaser. An anxious mess that is terrified of stepping over the wrong line. I'm not really friend material.

If they didn't want to be my friend, then I should respect that decision, no? Even if it would make me upset, it's one of those things where they come first.

I can't even assume that they don't want to be my friend anymore. They are probably busy and I'm just being a fool. It hasn't been a full day even.

It doesn't stop the thoughts from lingering in my mind, the terrible possibilities that follow after "what if".

What would I do with myself? Would I be able to just pretend nothing happened? Act as though the friendship never existed in the first place? Would I be mad? Or just sad? How would it affect those not directly affected? How would my mental state take it? Would there be any way to fix it? Or maybe an explanation? Would I deserve one? What would that do to the future? Would it deter their plans? What about my own?

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I'm scared. . .

I know I'm being a fool.

They wouldn't do that to me, we've known each other for so long, they would know how that would affect me, they wouldn't do that to me.

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I understand all that yet why can't I get myself to truly believe the words I am struggling to type out?