Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-03-24

Read at your own risk

I've been having a lot of nightmares again, my terrible sleep is just getting worse and with being forced to go to school and then an 8hr shift after every classes every day.

I think I'm dying.

I'm not sure if that's an over exaggeration or its genuine but it feels like I'm dying.

I struggling to focus, sure focusing was hard before but now its just because I'm tired. I'm hardly eating, a couple too many comments on my body and I have reverted back to a self loathing piece of shit. Food makes me nauseous. I'm always sick, I think something is wrong with my lungs, other than asthma anyway.

I keep telling myself I just need a break but I never get a break, or at least never get around to it and when I finally, finally get to sit down and try and rest I'm up again not too long later.

I'm dying.

I'm unsure of my relationship with Jacob at the moment. I love him to pieces, I won't deny that. However, I have slowly come to the realization that this relationship is not give and take.

Of course I could be very wrong, it wouldn't be the first time, I doubt it would be the last.

Maybe it was just because I realized he won't message me unless I message him first.

Though that goes for everyone, I suppose. There is not a single person that has messaged me first without prompt, no I do not count tiktoks.

I could very well get away with not messaging anyone for weeks and no one would bat an eye.

I understand people are busy, better than most of my friends I understand that.

But I hate watching my messages go ignored, or when it takes hours for someone to reply back, or when you practically beg someone to call you because some creep is bugging you and they don't answer back until a few hours later.

If people didn't care then it shouldn't be that hard to just say it.

I'd be okay with them just leaving instead of hanging me from a string.

Mother keeps threatening the cats, I think she's trying to use it as a form of manipulation. Asking me to do something and then saying something along the lines of skinning or just killing the cats for something trivial they had done that day. She's very determined to get rid of them.

I don't want to, I know it would be better for them but I am selfish.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about foster care. Though it shouldn't matter really, it was over a decade ago and only for a year.

But I remember every little thing.

I hated him so much and you know what? Nethaniel took any chance I had at the time of getting help.

I know, petty to hold a grudge for so long. But he had the neighbors kid, I had a fucking grown man every other night for over six months.

I only started really thinking about it on the night I was drunk, I said things I shouldn't and people know things but I need to get it out of my head.