Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-12-06

Going on half a year with Jacob, time really flies huh.

The affection has doubled and it's constant. I absolutely love it.

He got me a squishmellow named Willy for Christmas and his mother gave me chocolates. It was really sweet, and he liked the gift I gave him.

I've given out most of the gifts at this point, though I keep receiving stuff back, Tommy gave me a bunch of candy today and Gabe bought me a new dice set, they sound like bells, Karson gave me skittles and Dominica says she's ordering something for me.

I haven't been around her in a while, I really don't think Jacob likes her and I don't like when he's upset. She is very touchy though so it makes sense.

I think I may have upset Violet the other day, though in a way I'd like to try and say it's simply because she is unwell. Mayhaps I shouldn't have said the things I said. What is in the past should remain there and I believe I crossed a line.

I'll apologize at some point, just not sure when exactly. I was out of line and while I could try and justify my actions based on exhaustion or an imbalance in hormones due to bleeding (lol), I know I was in the wrong and should have thought more about it before saying it in the first place.

The days between writing these are getting longer and longer. It makes me wonder if in a way I'm slowly getting better, in some twisted kinda way.

I doubt I'll ever be what society deems as normal, and I don't doubt that I'll still continue to write in here for years to come, more so on days that it gets really hard, but it is a good comfort to have.

My guilty thoughts only continue to get worse, especially since yesterday Ethan and Gabe were asking if Jacob was a bottom (which I honestly hope not but will work around it if so), and Isaac was saying how I have "two small willy's" while looking at Jacob. Jacob didn't respond to it, though when I made a joke saying he had an excellent personality,  he just smiled at me in this odd kinda way. Oh and let's not forget, he let's me put my hand on his leg, no biggie, until he doesn't let me remove it and will grab my hand and put it back if I move it for no reason.

I cannot think purely in these conditions.

5:06 pm

She doesn't seem angry, though I've been wrong about this type of thing before. She still wants to come visit in January so that's good, I was a little worried I had pissed her off enough to not want to come.

Then again she could have just completely brushed over my comment and I'm just overthinking the entire thing inevitably making everything worse for myself because of my own delusions. 

But who knows.