Thoughts (Part 2!)

2022-07-17

You ever get those moments where things continue to just pile up, not all of it's bad but it still adds to the overwhelming pile of emotions and it's to a point where you struggle to tell the difference between the good and the bad.

Everything just blurs together in some kind of mess and you don't know how to deal with it because your normal coping mechanism isn't the best.

You have to hold it all together and pretend that nothing is wrong because you wouldn't have an answer even if anyone bothered to ask in the first place.

To play as some kind of positive poppy for nothing is supposed to be wrong anyway.

I don't want to be problematic. I want to exist without hurting anyone. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not I should talk to someone for it may ruin my relationship with someone else.

I want to be okay. Just okay.

I want my actions to be okay, for my words to be okay.

A selfish part of me wants to be happy, though I do personally believe I deserve such a thing as happiness. But we all are selfish in that way I suppose.

We all want something we can never have.

It makes me think. I don't like thinking. I don't like my own thoughts, nor do other people that eventually end up reading my mess.

One day people will read my words and question me, be it because they worry for my well-being, or perhaps because they too believe I am selfish. I know that I am selfish.

I like certain people, and yes I have liked Jacob since ninth grade, yet I dated Gaige and had feelings for Berry at one point as well.

Yes, I am now with Jacob and he makes me feel a kind of happiness that makes my heart feel like it's going to explode, I wouldn't trade him for anything and I am grateful that in the past school year my feelings grew strong enough for me to act on them. But I still believe that I am selfish.

I do not believe that the afterlife holds anything good for me. To be forgotten and eventually turn to dust in Helheim or maybe wander Limbo for the rest of my miserable eternity. Mayhaps I'll die in some heroic way and be able to go to Valhalla, though I do not believe that is possible.

I want an afterlife of darkness, water and muffled music. To be able to vaguely hear the songs while I float along. Left alone in nice water that doesn't sway too much. Maybe the darkness can have stars in it, but there will be no day, the only light coming from the stars and periodically the moon.

That is what I want.

It would drive me mad no doubt. Yet I would like to believe it would be peaceful.

I wish we could choose what happened after death.

Vi goes home today, I am both sad and happy about it.

I think it would have been easier if I could hide in my room, but it's too hot so I have been forced to be around people too much and it is truly a draining thing.

I love my sister, I do, but I can only socialize so much, or just be around people in general. I hate that I am like this but I can only do so much.

Oh, I didn't mention it yet! So Nethaniel went to Jim's sometime near the end of last month. Anyway, he got into another fight, except this time he almost got his ass beat by 9 other boys, 3 of which had aluminum bats. He won't say what happened to cause any of it, though Jim says that when he went to grab Nethaniel out of the circle the other boys had created around him that he was cursing and throwing insults at them, acting as though he could take all of them without a scratch. He apparently got punched in the stomach but that was the only known physical assault for my lovely little shit of a brother refuses to tell anyone what happened.

He also has a girlfriend.

Yes again.

4th one this year? Or is it the 5th?

I assumed it was a summer fling until I was informed that the girl is trying to get Nethaniel to impregnate her. And he actually agreed to it until Jim stepped in and said no, not happening.

Yes, my brother who told me I was an idiot for wanting kids, my brother who claims that he hates children, my brother who said he would never have children, my brother who shamed me for wanting three of my own. Yes, that very same brother.

I honestly think he just wants to fuck her.

Or he'll pull a Jim. Take care of the kid long enough to traumatize it and then leave its life long enough for it to grow hatred for him before coming back and trying to buy his way back into its life before giving up and focusing on its more impressionable siblings.

Who knows honestly. I just know my brother is in no way ready to have a child.

11:06 pm

Out of everything that comes with a period I think what I hate the most would be the cramps and the heat.

No one likes cramps so thats pretty self explanatory.

The heat on the other hand is iffy. Everytime I start my period, my body gets warm, uncomfortably warm. It is not something I can control either. I use icepacks over and above hot water bottles, the ice packs both ease the warmth in my body but also help with the cramps. Which is not weird, other people do it too. The hot water bottles just make it worse, this is coming from me trying on multiple different occasions.

Anyway, my body is just really warm. I would think my entire body had a fever or something if I hadn't been dealing with it for the past 6 years.