Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-09-12

Everyone is telling me that I shouldn't have a child, some telling me that I am down right unfit to care for a child while others try and blame my income or education.

Why does no one have faith in me? In my abilities?

Am I truly so unfit to have a child of my own? If that is the case then will I ever be deemed as fit?

My life goal was to become a parent, obsessing over it for years because that is the only thing I could truly see worth living for.

But if everyone I know and care for, with the exception of the dude wanting to get in my pants, says that I would be a poor parent, then whats the point.

I would have nothing. No goal, no life.

I can't see myself without them.

And as I sit here and cry thinking about how I'll never hold said child I acknowledge that I have nothing.

I have amounted to nothing. I have nothing to show for my life, no children to care for and praise, no titles or achievements, I am nothing.

I will always be nothing.

I was nothing to begin with.

Pietro, would it be cruel to revert back to plan C, I know we jumped past it, as I could never go through with it had I the chance of having something of my own.

But now

Now I am nothing.

And that seems simpler.

If I can't have the one thing I've spent the last 7 years begging the gods for, then what was it all for?

What was the purpose of suffering?

Why continue forward with false hope that some day I would have those moments, those seconds, those minutes, those hours, those days, those weeks, those months, those years. Every special moment fabricated in some delusional part of my head.

I'll never get my Emmett or my Athena. Children made up in my head to fill my delusions.

I am unfit.

I should have never even pondered the idea to begin with.

I'd be a terrible parent.

A monster.