I did it again. I thought I was free from it, that I had found different ways to distract my brain from the panic, that I had taught myself how to get out of that mindset.
Yet here I am, yet again, scratches on my hand from a blind panic. They burn, but I will give credit where credit is do, the action still does the job well. I forgot about the people around me, I focused on the pain and I could breathe.
It concerned Jacob, which I feel bad for, but I didn't do it on purpose. I thought I had stopped.
I suppose I was wrong.
I started using the Samsung health app. It tracks how much I sleep and how much I walk, and I can track my stress levels and my heart beat. It is becoming a comfort of sorts, even if it has only been a week since I started using it. Its encouraging me to force myself to sleep longer, though it doesn't account for if and when I wake up, only when I turn on the phone and use it does it acknowledge that I have woken up.
It could be worse.
Jacob was sick the last few days, meaning I hadn't gone to school either. No point honestly.
My hand burns. I regret my actions, unconscious or not.
8:12 pm
I'm starting to think I'm bothering people again.
Maybe I'm just going crazy.
I hover too much, I'm too touchy feely, I'm pushy, I expect too much, yet too little at the same time. I don't understand how they stand me really.
I got catcalled again today, its been a little while yet it doesn't get rid of the yucky feeling. I don't understand it really, but that may just be because I can't, and probably never will, see myself as attractive.
Which is true. I'm not.
I'm fat, one boob is a little bigger than the other, my skin looks disgusting, I have an ugly amount of small freckles, the dimples are gross, my eyes are ugly, my hair looks dead, I have to keep my nails short due to today's incident. I am far from attractive.
To each their own I guess.
I think I'm going to leave everyone alone for a few days. I need to stop being a bother, people will become annoyed. They won't like it. Disgusting. An annoyance.
Best to leave them alone. It'll be fine.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts (Part 2!)
RandomSo honestly I didn't want to have to do this yet but Wattpad has officially given me no other choice. So here is the second part of my ever growing thoughts book. The first two/three chapters will still have Pietro as the name but I hope to eventu...
