Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-01-05

Mother is pissing me off.

I refuse to do those fucking dishes. I haven't touched a single one. I wash all my dishes after use and if someone else cooks for me I'll wash a pot or two that was used.

Not a single one of those fucking dishes is mine. Its not my fault her and her fuckin boy toy are letting it pile up.

"Well its about time you do your part in this house. When was the last time you swept or cleaned the bathroom?"

Do your part???

Is she fucking kidding me?

When was the last time she took out the trash? Or paid for groceries that were over $100? Or washed the dishes HERSELF? Or swept? Or dusted? Or picked things up? Or parented her children properly? Or cooked dinner, an actual meal, without having to use the excuse of being in pain?

She sits on her ass almost every day doing nothing. I work 6 days a week on average and go to school. I am tired.

So fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping and I'm not sure if its because of nightmares or because I'm so stressed that I can't. 

I didn't want to go into work yesterday. I felt like garbage, my chest hurt and I thought I was gonna throw up. But I went anyway.

Not that she would have let me stay home.

Nah I finally got days off, the days that I actually requested so no matter how sick I was she wasn't gonna allow me to only work 2 days this week.

Fucking sitting there calling me lazy. Telling me I don't do shit around here.

Just you fucking wait. Just you wait.

Cuz when I leave, I'm blocking her on everything. She can deal with this shit she calls life on her own.

I don't fuck with this shit anymore.

I just want a break.

A break from the nagging. The anxiety. The paranoia. The constant shaking. The being worried about crying in front of her because she doesn't wanna see that shit.

I want a break.

I am tired.

So

So tired

I'm not even sure from what anymore.

And I keep telling myself that I'm being dramatic, because I probably am. Someone has it worse, someone always has it worse. I keep telling myself because if I don't believe it then I grew up being lied to everytime something happened.

Everytime I got bullied. Everytime I was disregarded. Every time she yelled at me. The neglect. The manipulation. The shitty friends. The no good step parents that never got it right. The ignored health concerns. Being third choice because God forbid I wasn't mature enough to take care of myself.

I'm tired.

I don't understand what I did wrong.

I try to be a good person. I try to be nice.

I take care of those I share blood with because I stupidly care for them no matter how much I try not to.

I step in when my friends are in trouble even if I know they would never do the same.

I spend so much money on people because I don't know how else to say that I care without just downright saying it.

Nothing I do is good enough.

Not to her.

I will never be good enough for her.

I could be a billionaire, I could have a good family and a loving partner, I could be kind and charitable, I could literally be a fucking God.

And that still wouldn't be good enough for her.

I need help.

I know I need help.

I question whether or not I deserve it, I've obviously done something wrong and I just haven't figured out what.

I would like to believe that I'm a good person.

I mean obviously I'm not if I have to even question it a little bit.

I hate her. I resent her.

I know I shouldn't. Its bad. I'm not supposed to.

Shes my mother.

She took care of me and I hate her.

I know some part of me cares. But I hate her.

I can't breathe

It hurts

I can't breathe

Face burns

I can't breathe

I don't want to be here

I can't

I didn't mean to scratch my hand up but she just keeps getting so angry over it

I didn't mean to

I don't want to be here

It hurts to cough

I need to breathe

Breathe properly

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm so fucking sorry

It won't happen again. I'll bottle all of it up. No one will ever know.

I can still be good.

I can be useful.

I can become something someone can be proud of.

Something someone can love.

I can become what anyone needs me to be.

I'm tired

I'll get better

I'll be better

I'm tired

I want a break

But thats selfish.