Thoughts (Part 2!)

2023-06-03

Prom was well. . . Something.

I don't regret bring Vi, I know deep down I originally made the suggestion because I had a feeling he would do something like this.

He hardly spoke to me, no dances, no glances, I got a text saying I looked nice and that was it. He sat on his phone playing solitaire the entire time.

I don't want to be so frustrated, so upset about it but I am.

I was really looking forward to it, I was so excited and he fucking only stayed two hours and hardly said anything to me.

I mean, Vi and I only only stayed 3 hours ourselves, but we danced, we took photos, we got snacks, we fucking spoke to each other.

He was supposed to be my date. . . I have one picture of us together. . . One. . . And I don't even look happy in it. . .

Sure maybe it was my fault, while I didn't make him go, I'm sure he simply felt obligated.

I don't even think he feels attracted to me anymore. . . He won't look at me, we hardly talk. I love him, Hades I love him so fuckin much. . . But. . . I don't think he loves me and that hurts. . .

A lot

I feel as though I'm setting myself up for failure at this point, but I'm afraid to stop.

I'm aware that I'm in love with the idea of being in love, but I don't wanna end this yet.

I'm not ready. So I will be selfish and I'll wait for him to end it. I won't be the one to finish it, I won't be the one to cause a rift in our friendships, though there won't be much of a rift if they all choose him anyway.

I was so excited. . .

Some foolish foolish part of me hoped it would be like the movies, ya know? The boy brings the girl a corsage, he dances with her, calls her beautiful, she fixes his outfit a little and dear Hades do they look in love. The kind of scene that I watched happen to so many girls that night.

I felt so angry seeing the stupid mini flower arrangements on their wrists, angry that their dates complimented them, angry that they got to dance and mine wouldn't even bother, angry that I held the door open, angry that the person beside us pulled out the chair for his girl, angry that the other dates sat across or beside one another, angry that they dressed up properly and he didn't. I was just so angry.

I know I was angry. I snapped at people, at Vi. I was muttering threats and curses. I was just so mad.

Just one of those things, even just a verbal compliment, just one fucking thing and I could have forgiven everything, the silence, the lack of dancing, the leaving early, the lack of talking, I could have forgiven everything with just one verbal compliment.

He did fuck all.

He didn't ask me to the dance.
He didn't set anything up.
He didn't dress up.
He didn't compliment me once.
He didn't do the stupid corsage.
He didn't dance.
He didn't talk.
He didn't reciprocate my attempted affection.
He didn't give to shits when some other dude flirted with me.
He didn't care about anything.
He didn't care about me.

It was just a stupid overly expensive event that he felt obligated to go to.

I don't wanna end this, but as I sit here in tears writing out my selfish complaints, I wonder if its worth any of it.

To go through any of this.

The seed of doubt is there and Hades it won't leave me alone.

He didn't even tell me if he got home okay, the only reason I know he got home at all was because he liked my Instagram post.

What if he doesn't love me? What would be the point of this? If its just to eventually have sex then dear Hades hes playing the long game.

Maybe thats the real reason I'm pushing it all off, I'm afraid that if I have sex with him he'll leave me right after.

I'm a coward.
I am selfish.