I don't feel safe in my own head anymore, not around dangerous objects or things that could just generally cause harm.
The intrusive thoughts are becoming a bit much at this point, trying to take a fucking pain killer only to stare at the bottle for a few moments too long and genuinely debate if they would be able to get an ambulance here before I over dose. Fiddling with a knife before cutting vegetables only to contemplate if it would hurt more to slit my wrists or to just slice my throat open.
Its cruel too, writing this shit down knowing she'll read it all. Yet I need my escape too.
I don't want to be here.
The cruel reality of life keeps punching me in the gut and I don't want to get up.
And despite trying to avoid him, to ignore his messages or just force my brain to acknowledge that he is now nothing more than a friend I can't ignore the fact that I love him more than anything else, that I crave his presence but to fucking stuck on kids to allow myself to give into the feelings.
I want to apologize, beg for him some days, the words dancing on the tip of my tongue threatening to fumble out and ruin me. But I can't.
Because that feeling I had before will return, the deep want for children that he just won't provide and I won't force.
It makes me feel so guilty.
I don't want to be here.
I want to leave.
I've been trying to socialize more, idle conversations leading no where, snipbits of others lives while mine repeats over and over again.
If he were to ask one more time I'd say yes, even if only for a little while
That would hurt us both though I suppose. . .
I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve that.
I'm tired Pietro.
I need to control myself.
Get a better hold on my issues.
Stop complaining so much.
Other people have it worse. Other people have a real reason to bitch. Other people have a real reason to be depressed.
I'm just doing it for attention. Thats it. I need attention and what better way to do it then to allow dark and twisted thoughts to seep out and force the eyes to take a glance at some attention seeking whiny bitch.
That has to be it.
I can't actually be a mess, there has to be another reason for it.
It shouldn't always be about me. I'm selfish.
So selfish.
Bad person.
Terrible.
An attention seeking whiny selfish bitch.
Yes that fits
.
.
.
I've debated on doing video logs, cuz like what if at my funeral someone tries to say that I didn't leave a journal log then BOOM video log
Thats kind of dumb I guess. . .
I'm gonna go
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts (Part 2!)
RandomSo honestly I didn't want to have to do this yet but Wattpad has officially given me no other choice. So here is the second part of my ever growing thoughts book. The first two/three chapters will still have Pietro as the name but I hope to eventu...
