if you call for me, i'll run to you | a doug ross fanfiction

91.

91.
domino heart
January 22, 2000

i buttoned up my white dress shirt, tucking it into my work pants. i couldn't believe two months had passed by already.
i definitely wasn't ready to go back to work. but, i didn't have much of a choice since i took two extra weeks off of my maternity leave.
at the same time though, i was more than ready to head back to work. it was hard for me to admit it but my prenatal depression had easily transitioned into postpartum. i knew it wouldn't of just gone away after i had my daughter but part of me wished it had. part of that was because i missed doug with my whole heart. it wasn't just because i had a baby or was pregnant. i missed him, his demeanour, the way he loved me. some days i didn't even remember his voice or what he looked like.
it made me sad.
nobody can ever really prepare themselves for a child. let alone being a single parent. when juliette was finally asleep i just sat in my shower and thought. my own self was the last thing i ever thought about nowadays.
i twisted my hair up i'm a claw clip and i was off. my diaper bag packed with milk, diapers, extra clothes, toys, and blankets swung over my shoulder while i carried juliette in my arms.
she had on a thick snowsuit and little booties.

it was so amazing how fast baby's grew and developed. two months and juliette was already smiling and cooing at me.
she sat on my lap as the l train went off.
she giggled at me as i kissed all around her face.
putting aside all the anger, sadness and emotion id been feeling the past almost year, i was so proud of this little girl.
——
i carried her as we got off the l, a familiar voice spoke behind me.
"mark" i grinned
"welcome back" he said
"the er misses you"
"is that right?"
"juliette's gotten so big" he said, wide eyed.
"i know"
"you've gotten so chubby" i smiled, squeezing her cheeks
she let out a giggle
"she's precious, y/n"
i smiled
"how's living with your dad going?"
mark had come over about a week ago, he was living with his father again.
"definitely different" he sighed
"oh no"
"i don't know, i was never really that close with him and it's just a lot to handle"
"i bet"
"how're you holding up?" he asked
"same as usual i guess, i don't know"
i told him about the postpartum depression not long ago.
"juliette here has to go to the doctors after work"
"fun" mark smiled

as i took off my coat and put on my lab coat, the whole staff wanted to see juliette at the admit desk.
"y/n, she's adorable" kerry smiled
"the princess over here better make her way to daycare" i laughed, picking her up.
———
it was later in the morning now, the er wasn't actually that busy.
"dr. chen?" i asked, as a familiar face headed down the hallway.
"dr. l/n" she smiled
she was a med student back when carter was one.
"i had no idea you were working here again"
"i just came back not long ago" she nodded
"giving it another shot, hey?"
"why not" she shrugged
"so, is it true you were on maternity leave?"
i nodded my head
"how's the single parent life treating you?"
"word goes around fast here, doesn't it?"
she let out a laugh
"it's exhausting" i sighed

i had just looked over a chart of a woman who was coming in for a heart transplant. she had a low fever.
i went into the exam room, lucy was there talking to her.
"lucy, can i talk to you for a minute?" i smiled
"sure" she nodded
"i'll be right back, valerie"
we headed outside
"i took a look at valerie's chart and i'm sorry to say"
i raised my eyebrows
"but, she has a fever of 109"
"that's a really low fever" lucy smiled
"well, a fever indicates infection"
i paused
"the last thing we want to do is have her body reject the heart"
"when you have even a tiny cold, the immune system is still weakened"
she raised her eyebrows at me.
"what are you saying?"
"well, dr. weaver and i are trying to get a hold of the transplant team"
i could tell she was growing more and more annoyed.
"and?"
"ultimately, it's their decision what's going to happen with valerie"
"however, it's likely that we'll have to decline the heart"
lucy looked at me wide eyed.
"she's waited so long, she was so close" she scoffed
"i believe you"
"look, i didn't want this to happen either"
she shook her head
"do you want me to tell her the news?"
"i can do it" she sighed
"im sorry"
——
"you're telling me there's absolutely no working water in this hospital?" i asked
i was so confused.
"nope" malucci said
"y/n, films are back on that wheezing old man"
"thanks, chuny"
she handed me the films.
i put them into the light board, taking a look at them. there was a bunch of fluid in his lungs, meaning, he needed a chest tube.
"alright, chuny, he'll need a chest tube"
"i'll get consent and set up for you" she nodded
"you're the best" i smiled

it was a little later, i'd just inserted the chest tube in my patient.
"i'm gonna admit you upstairs" i said
"i'll be here for a couple days?" he asked, worried
i nodded my head "atleast one or two just so all the fluid drains out"
"they're ready to take him in twenty" chuny nodded
"perfect" i smiled
"they usually allow visitors up there, so i'm sure once you're situated you can call who ever you need"
"thank you, doctor" he nodded
i waved my hand "no problem"
——
i carried juliette down the hallway, her cheeks were puffy from her crying. she had just gotten her two month vaccinations.
"i know baby" i hushed
"you did a good job" i said, kissing her forehead.
i headed down to the surgical floor. valerie, the transplant patient didn't make it. they ended up somehow clearing the infection and operating but the surgery was unsuccessful.
lucy sat on a bench in the hallway, she looked very upset.
"i heard about what happened" i said, sitting down next to her.
i sat juliette down on my lap
"i don't know" she said, looking down
"i tried so hard to save her"
she started getting teary eyed
"as doctors we try to treat patients as best as we can"
"we dedicate our time to them and sometimes develop a connection with them"
"it makes us want to save them even more"
"sometimes even though you're so close to saving someone, you just can't"
"i've lost a lot of patients"
"but in the weird way it is, that's the only way to get better"
she looked up at me, wiping a tear away from her face.
i took my hand and rubbed her back.
"in emergency medicine there's always gonna be that loss"
"i know" she sighed
she was silent
"does the er even like me?"
"sometimes i wonder if i'll ever even be a good doctor" she added
"especially down there, everything seems so quick"
"i think you'll be a great doctor, lucy"
"you really care for your patients"
"you're a compassionate"
"patients like that" i smiled
"i always try to save at least one patient a day" she said.
"your day just started, right?"
she nodded.
"well, you have the chance to save someone tonight"
juliette let out a babble, lucy smiled
"i guess i better head back down to the er" she said
"yeah, i better get this one home" i smiled
we walked down the hallway and stairs together.

lucy went to take a breather outside, luka followed her.
i put juliette's snowsuit on and headed home. it was already almost 7:00, a little past her bedtime. on the l i fed her and she fell asleep in my arms.
after talking with lucy, when i was telling her you do the best for patients but sometimes all you can do isn't enough. it reminded me of ricky abbott. i never really once thought of that moment until now.
i guess that whole dilemma kind of ruined doug and i. a lot of people felt it was wrong of me to defend doug that night. but, at the end of the day, i'm the only one who really knew the real and raw doug ross.
i knew his intentions were pure. hes a paediatrician, he loves all those kids.
i don't know.
i didn't want to think about him anymore. every time i did, it made me sad. i didn't really have much else to think about, though because that was all i wanted.

a/n: hey! i had some free time, so i thought i'd post this for you all today! i hope you enjoyed it! y/n is back into the swing of things.. i will be posting as per schedule tomorrow, too. this week is super busy for me, but not at all if that makes sense.. anyway,
xx