Author's Games: Star Wars

Task Two: Feedback

Again, I'm so sorry for being almost three weeks late for this. House hunting at the beginning of the month left me finally able to take a break from writing and have a lot of much needed me - time these past several weeks. I hope you guys understand and havent forgotten anything so here's your feedback! (It's short since I'm so late). 

14: Citizen Female Jenaara Kalor - 13

I absolutely love her thoughts and emotions! I got a lot of feels for her emotions during the lightsaber fight - it was her fight! Gah such good lines you used! Your descriptions were so vivid and clear and you did so well at building up the suspense. I couldn't help but of feel and think Star Wars as I read your entry and I immensly enjoyed the deep characterization you're doing with Jenaara! I don't have anything I would tell you to do better other than just keep up the good work! 

1: Bounty Hunter Male - 12.9

Your entry seriously felt just like Star Wars to me. I was thrown into one of the movies almost instantly and you kept it up throughout the entry! I can tell you did a lot of research - you were so detailed about the types of ships and weapons. Your action scenes were intense and very like Star Wars. Boba Fett!! I loved the flashbacks. You missed 0.1 for sentence flow - sometimes they were awkwardly worded. 

13: Citizen Male Aevo - 12.9

You only missed one for grammar. I loved all the flying action scenes - it was realistic to Star Wars and intense. 

7: Trader Male Mayek Doe - 12.8

I just LOVE Mayek's attitude and sarcasm. You had such a hooking introduction I was immediately immersed into the entry and couldn't stop reading it. Your point loss came from 0.1 for grammer and 0.1 for being a few hours late. This entry was enjoyable to read and you kept me highly engaged the whole time. Amazing job; keep it up! 

12: Poltician Female Jesla Hital - 12.8

I got so many sister feels in this entry! You had strong characterization with her personality and the sister's interactions remind me so much of me and my sister. Your point loss came from 0.1 for action scene realism and 0.1 for my level of engagement. Good job!

18: Jedi Male Kanan - 12.8

You had one spelling error and one grammer error. I liked how you told the same events from different perspectives. The lightsaber dueling was intense and made it feel just like a Star Wars movie. 

6: Slave Male Zillah - 12.7

You lost 0.1 for your vague descriptions during one part of your entry that made it hard to follow that part. You lost another 0.1 due to lack of realism to Star Wars with your use of the word bullets (a lot of people did this). Your last 0.1 loss came from your realism in general. A torn suit means lack of oxygen which you didn't include. However, her emotions were so strong it placed me inside her character and carried me through the entry with her. The ending was full of amazing descriptions not only of her emotions but of the environment and the action happening around them. I definitely felt for how Zillah was treated in this entry and you did a good job changing Yurrei and allowing us to see him through Zillah's eyes. 

9: Smuggler Male Mazhdar Schneljdar - 12.7

Your point losses came from one punctuation mistake, two grammar mistakes and one sentence flow mistake. I got so many feels for Mazhdar and Penya - I SHIP THEM. Mazhya! Hehe. Anyway, Again, your entry felt just like Star Wars and It was an enjoyable read. You drew out the suspense with the blaster shots and I love his attitude! Good job!

17: Jedi Female Adaara - 12.7

Your point loss came from 0.1 for being vague, one for realism (you had them kiss when they were in spacesuits...) and two grammar mistakes. I liked how when we read her entry we understood more of her thoughts, feelings and events than when we read the others. You wrote three entries about the same events but made them all unique with different aspects in each one. 

19: Sith Male Yurrei - 12.7

Your point loss came from the use of the word bullets (0.2 points for that) and realism - if his suit was torn then he would have started losing oxygen. Your description of his fear made me feel it with him and it definitely gave me the feels. I also truly felt for him in that you showed that he was losing himself, without telling it. I felt like we were losing him to the dark side and I absolutely love that. I was sad by the way you described his lack of concern for Zillah and not to mention the epic cliff hanger you ended on. 

2: Bounty Hunter Female Verita - 12.6

Your point loss came from four grammar mistakes, one vocab mistake and action scene realism. You were so realistic with her panic and made it feel real so that I felt it with her. Sha'ar's funny comments made me laugh. You did such a good bounty hunter characterization. You rushed the ending but it was still intense. Good job! 

5: Slave Male Kiernan Caleth - 12.5

Your point loss came from two grammar mistakes and realistic to Star Wars - using the word bullet. You also had one flow mistake and an action realism mistake as well. You rushed the ending, which made you have a lack of realism in that he immediately and easily dodged all the shots and you never mentioned who was flying the starfighter that saved them. You also lost a point for my lack of engagement in the middle part of your entry. You were realistic with him needing to use the light to see, which made it unique. You gave me so many feels for him believing no one would care if he died. Zillah is his sister... what? Did I miss something or forget information? What a twist!

8: Trader Female Arin Merrick - 12.4

Your point loss came from Star Wars realism in your use of the word bullet and that TIE fighters are all single seaters and never have a second person. You also weren't realistic in that she would know how to fly not because of research but because she's a trader and knows how to from experience. You also lost points due to lack of character development and growth, which I'm not seeing much of and action scenes realism (some of the fights were a little awkwardly described). You also lost points for lack of good vocabulary use and my emotional impact. You had a very hooking introduction and had a creative start at the beginning in the arena which was totally unique (only you did that)! You were very descriptive of her surroundings. I loved her thoughts on getting to the moon for hand-to-hand combat and saying BOOM made it a visual experience while reading. It was totally original while feeling like Star Wars. You were very creative with a strong character!

10: Smuggler Female Sarilea Valkir - 11.9

Your point loss came from realism I'm not sure how she was able to move through space without her jet pack during one part of the entry. You were late since you had a quicker deadline, which is what killed your score. You were realistic in a lot of other parts - losing the fuel from the jet pack for instance and msising her shots. You did strong characterization and development with her during this task in the way you described her wanting to be in charge. You're realism with flying the TIE was amazing and your overall Star Wars realism improved greatly! Good job!