Author's Games: Star Wars

Task Three: Feedback

Just FYI, for anyone who wrote with one of my characters, the scoring and feedback is all from my husband JamesWhite074... straight from him and not me. The other two entries' feedback are from me and BE WARNED. I was very, very critical this time (just as critial as my husband), so hopefully no hard feelings! 

Adaara and Yuurei - 13

Absolutely perfect work. I couldn't find anything that I would change and that completely shocked me. I actually went back and re-read it to make sure I didn't miss anything. Wow. It blew my mind. Great character development. I liked how he was a Sith even though he didn't act like a Sith and how she's a Jedi who didn't quite act like a Jedi. Very realistic, very good dynamic.

Jenaara and Kanan - 12.8

You had two grammar mistakes and two punctuation mistakes, resulting in 0.2 taken off your score. I liked all the information that you gave out. The description of the challenges were really good. I liked Kanan using the metals from the Sith metal and the Durasteel. Your entry gave me the whole perspective of the challenges greater than the other ones I read. I liked Kanan's flashback and the depth of emotion in both characters. 

Mayek and Aevo - 12.6

You had one punctuation mistake, two flow mistakes, one grammar and one sentence structure mistake.

I like the dynamic between Mayek and his brother. I liked getting the thoughts from both Mayek and Aevo even though that's not what they were saying. And when they figured out that they couldn't figure out a pattern, their desperate gamble to just go for it, that's realistic. I love that. 

SulJuuk, Kiernan and Mazhdar - 11.2

Because of the mistake in the beginning, I wasn't that hooked at first, so there was 0.1 loss from that. The mistakes kept me from being fully engaged all the time, so there was 0.1 loss from that. Because of the way you structured it, one person's POV at a time, I felt like the characterization could have been better. Keirnan and SulJuuk did it failry well, so I only took off 0.1 for that. Your main problem were two things: one, vague descriptions. The intro you started off with "he" and for an entire paragraph I was wondering... he who? Your vocab use wasn't as mature as it could have been, so you lost points there. You had six grammar mistakes and four punctuation mistakes, which also didn't help. Your realism also got a little off. I took off 0.1 because I didn't think the droid would really have let them have their way so easy at first. I took off another because the beam holding off just long enough for them to finish was stretching realism just a bit. Your descriptions were vague throughout the entry - During the first obstacle, the path wasn't clearly described and it was very hard to picture. This kept me from being engaged during obstacle 1. Obstacle two's decriptions were a little better, so I was able to be more engaged during that, but the ATAT falling and the rebels stumbling was vague and there were details missing from sliding down the cave. It would have jerked their wrists since they were all chained together. In obstacle three, it wasn't described where or what exactly she was shooting and how it made the doors open, so I lost some engagement there as well. With all this being said, I think just going through and making sure that what you guys described is what is inside your minds would help. I really did like how well all three characters worked together. Mazhdar as the odd man out with the whole Slave-verses-Slaver mentality between SulJuuk and Kiernan worked out well. Great job writing together! 

Sha'ar and Verita - 10.9

I absolutely loved the battle and all the action. It literally felt like the ending of a Star Wars movie or an Episode of the Clone Wars. I just... wow. This was so amazing. You guys scored so low because you had a lot of basic mistakes that I know you guys just accidentally left, probably from a lack of a read through. You had nine punctuation mistakes, seven run-on sentences, five flow mistakes, ten grammar mistakes. You had a couple mistakes in the action - one was when they fell, the action was a little awakward. I'm also not sure why he didn't just fly from the start. I took off one for realism for that. The other action mistake was that I didn't feel it would have been as easy to take down Grevious' bodyguards as you guys made it out to be. I mean, in Star Wars, even regular Jedi struggle with that. I also felt like Verita and Sha'ar both haven't really developed much in the way of characters and at this point I should see more character development, so I took off a point for that. There was also a lack of emotion throughout the entry, so I took off for that. I also took off a point for characterization because I felt like you guys didn't really do a good job doing each others characters. If Sha'ar was narrating, then Verita's POV wasn't clear and if Verita was narrating, then Sha'ar would fade into the background. Now, I know it seems like a lot, but like I said, most of this is just that I think you guys didn't read through it and edit some of the basic mistakes. With that being said, I seriously loved how unique your entry was since you brought the Clone Wars into it. That was such a genius idea and it just... it really made your entry stand out. You guys did a great job working and writing together!