Secret Files PH

Forbidden Love

"Forbidden Love"

How does it feel to truly love the man who is destined to be a priest in the near future? It’s just like you are walking on an uncertain path of thorns, you know that it hurts your feet and it causes wound but still you keep on walking hoping to reach the destination that you are looking for.

We’ve met in the Diocesan Summer Youth Camp last year April. He was a seminarian. Yes! A seminarian. We’ve become a good friends. I treated him as my older brother. After that camp he never missed a day without sending me a text message. Dahil dun nakilala namin ang isa’t isa ng lubusan.

And as time goes by, one day he confessed his feelings towards me. He said, he liked me. Sa una palang aware na ako na seminarista siya na dapat di ako magkagusto sa kanya. Pero ang feelings nga naman ay hindi mo macontrol control. Not noticing, I liked him back. Sinabe ko yan sakanya bago siya bumalik ng seminary kung san bawal ang phone doon kaya wala kaming communication sa isa’t isa. Pero may Home Visit naman sila every month, kaya pwede siyang makagamit ng phone at icontact ako. 2 days nga lang ang Home visit nila pero sinusulit namin ang bawat oras na pwede kaming mag usap.

Hanggang sa dumating yung punto na mahal na namin ang isa’t isa. It was a sweet and precious months for the both of us.  I got the greatest love that every woman has always been praying for. He was a man of effort, honesty, and loyalty. I didn’t doubt with everything he was doing since I trusted him completely.

Our relationship is not labeled but we’re happy and contented of what love we have. Walang naging KAMI kasi nga BAWAL sila ng attachments, so M.U lang ang meron samin.  I know that it is not really right to fall in love with a seminarian and especially to get involved in a relationship, a relationship that anytime can be apart when time comes that he has to choose between me and his vocation. One day, I can still vividly remember what my seminarian said,

“I see you as my friend, and when I say friend, it means special friend. (coz I have only few friends). There are days, that sometimes imagine what it would be like if we were a couple and I dreamed of that too. I dreamed that I will be very very happy because I will be with the person I love. But I can't pursue that dream because I have a mission to fulfill. I’m sorry, it may sound weird but like Mother Teresa, I felt God's calling. And so I have to laylo. I treat you as a dear friend.... but I am not allowed to have attachments. You are a special to me.”

Those lines really broke my heart and can clearly decide to give up this feelings that we have. Well, I accept it from the very start that our love might end soonest and tried to act that I’ll be fine. You need to go. I am letting you go. Slowly but surely I am. And as I let you go, I want to see that God is the reason and I will be at peace.

I am so grateful for having you, it is more than enough. Everything that you did and everything that you will is for the best of both us. Even in just for temporary, I am so glad for having you. You may not able to give me what I want but you were able to give me what l had learned.

Our love was just given from a borrowed time. For a short moment, I felt the happiness of being cared by him. But that moment just vanished like a bubble. My world has crushed into pieces the day that I decided to let him go. We may have an indescribable destiny but I offer everything to the will of God. Let go and let GOD  :)

Halia Panda
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