ALL I EVER NEED (PONGDDIE)

PART 58 - PAANO

PONGGAY POV

I was left alone inside the room, still on my bed at kakaalis lang ni Maddie. And the room feels so empty after she had left.

Pagka-alis niya ng walang kaabog-abog sa room ay nahiga na lang ako sa bed at nakatunganga na lamang sa ceiling.

Everything, bumalik lahat sa alaala ko. Yung nangyari sa aming dalawa, yung namagitan sa amin kagabi.

It was real. At first, I thought it was just a dream ng magising ako. But when I look at myself, I was naked my heart beats fast. Medyo nag panic ako but I tried to calm myself.

And lalong na confirm ang nasa isip ko nang biglang sumulpot si Maddie mula sa comfort room. It was not a dream, it was definitely real.

Gusto ko ng magwala pero I remain still. I was already panicking inside. I dont know what to do and what to say. Parang na blanko na rin ang isip ko.

Then, bigla na lang siya umalis na walang anomang salita tungkol sa nangyari kagabi. Maybe because she was also so shock just like me.

As I gaze at the ceiling, napahilamos na lang ako ng kamay sa mukha. Trying to calm myself down.

Pero habang lumalaon at nag-iisip ako, the more lang nagiging complicated ang lahat sa isip ko, lalo na ang sitwasyon.

And of course, hindi mawaglit na hindi ko isipin kung ano ba ang meron kami ni Maddie, why it happened. As well as, my feelings for her kung meron man.

And as I assess and weigh things, it brought me to reality and acceptance na meron na akong namumuong feelings for her. I just keep on denying it before. I keep on trying to ignore it.

Now, I understand, I have a feelings for her more than just a friend. It is there deep within me, and I cannot deny it anymore.

Kaya nga hindi ko siya nagawang pigilan sa namagitan sa aming dalawa kagabi. Kaya nga a part of me, ginusto ang nangyari kagabi.

Kapag puso ko ang pinakinggan ko ngayon, it says it was just right and ok. Pero kapag utak ko na ang gumana, it disagrees. It says I was wrong and hindi dapat nangyari yun.

My mind says that I could have done better instead of allowing things to happen everything last night. Naguguluhan na ako. Parang mababaliw na ako kakaisip.

And realizing Maddie is in a relationship with Zoey, I felt so bad. At the same, there is a surge of pain inside my heart.

"Why do I always end up loving a wrong person. Tuwing magmamahal na lang ba ako ay masasaktan ako? Kung ganito na lang lagi, ayoko ng magmahal." (sabi ko sa isip)

Bumangon ako para iwasan na mag overthinking. Kaya umalis ako sa bed at kinuha na ang towel para maligo na lang.

Ayoko na mag-isip, nasasaktan lang ako tuwing nag-iisip ako. I dont want to entertain the thoughts anymore. I don't want to dig deep down in my heart.

I just want to forget muna what happened last night. And I just want to get rid of the confusing emotions and feelings.

Dali-dali akong dumiretso sa comfort room at naligo na. Afterwards, naghanap ako ng susuotin para lumabas ng condo.

I don't want to stay here, or else maaalala ko lang ang lahat. Kaya naman mas ginusto ko na lumabas na lang muna.

I just wanted to forget. I just want to get rid of the feeling. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Kasi gaya ng dati, masakit na naman. Gaya ng dati, nagmahal na naman at ako nasaktan.

I was getting inside the taxi nang marining ko ang tugtog na nagpangiwi sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung nananadya ba ang pagkakataon at gusto pa akong ilugmok lalo sa kalungkutan.