Project: Socialize (Chapters 1-197)

180. Divine Intervention

Tears streamed down the side of my face as the writing on her diary blurred. With great care, I moved the diary further away from me in fear that it would be ruined by my tears and set it gently on the surface of my bed next to me. Then, I buried my face in my hands as my body trembled.

My breathing was at an abnormal pace as I felt a suffocating feeling within me, almost as if someone was choking me by my throat yet there was no one actually doing so. Instead, it was the sense of guilt within me that triggered this suffocating feeling. It's the knowledge that I was unable to do anything for her that made me feel ill.

"I was supposed to be the companion to her until she dies," I bemoaned in a voice that strained my throat. "But in the end, I didn't do shit. What the hell was the point of it all? I couldn't do anything! Why the hell did I just assume that what I was doing was correct?"

For the first time, I truly realize that my existence was pointless. I wasn't able to soothe any of her fears of death, unable to accompany her until the very end. I'm simply a failure, someone whose crimes could hardly be forgiven. Yet, she still forgave me at the very end. But...I cannot forgive myself. I had failed her, caused her unnecessary suffering, and made things even more difficult for both of us. I am the reason for her pain, and it is also myself that I have to blame for all of these melancholic emotions that I had experienced. It's all because of me, this good-for-nothing scum, a waste of skin.

"A bit harsh on yourself, don't you think?" a familiar voice commented as the owner of the voice stood over me.

"It's...rather difficult for him," another voice added in.

"And it had to come to this," another voice sighed.

Looking up, I saw that the owners of the voices were Ralus, Noah, and Emilia, the three angels of God. Noah looked over at me with a frown on his face, yet he remained silent and the most distant from my location. Then there was Ralus and Emilia, one standing on my left and the other standing on my right before me.

"That wasn't the reaction that I anticipated," Emilia commented.

"When have you become so cold?" Ralus muttered as he shook his head. He then knelt down before me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Do you regret anything?"

I looked him in his different colored eyes for a brief moment. In his eyes, I could sense great power, yet I am unable to truly read what he was thinking. However, there really isn't much that I cared about anymore. It's come to the point that everything is basically whatever as long as it does not threaten my life. Therefore, I nodded. It's shocking how primitive these emotions of guilt could render one to be. 

"Ralus!" Emilia tensed up as her eyes widened while she stared at Ralus in shock. "What're you doing?"

"You would've known if you were still you," Ralus muttered and smiled in a lonely and depressed manner before he shook his head slightly and returned to the conversation he had with me. "Do you think that it's unfair?"

"Ralus!" I could sense an increase in hostility in Emilia as her voice became more and more threatening and imbued with power. "You must stop this at once. You cannot do this."

"Why can't I?" Ralus asked as he slowly rose to his full height.

"It goes against our orders," Emilia answered. "And it goes against the nature of this world." She paused and gazed at Ralus's lonely back before she continued. "There are billions of humans in this world, and they all suffer from grief, remorse, and guilt. He must not receive special treatment in those regards."

"So what?" Ralus slowly looked over his shoulder at Emilia. On his face was still the same depressed and lonely countenance he had exhibited. It was rather odd to see him like this, but I could sense that this emotion from him was genuine. "He is special. Emilia, you know it, I know it, and even Noah knows it."