The Advice Column III

460

Advice Request
This person is having friend trouble.

Answered Submission
Hello!

Congratulations on your amazing performance in school and also for winning that competition!

I don't know you personally, but I'm sure you also did very well in the competition that you lost. Losing does not mean you did badly. In competitions, there are always going to be winners and losers, and your friend doesn't have the right to make you feel bad about that. You are not stupid if you manage to maintain high grades and are helping your friends with your studies.

About your friend and her jokes: what I see that you can do here is to have a serious conversation with her about what kind of jokes you are comfortable with and what kind of jokes you are not comfortable with. Right now, it might be that she does not know that you are not okay with her jokes. That was the vibe that I got from her reaction when you finally told her to stop it. Her reaction was shock at first, and she tried to laugh it off, but she went away. She might not realise that she was hurting you all this while, and I advise you to tell her again. This time, explain to her how you are not okay with all the jokes and how they have been silently hurting you.

However, if after you have talked to her she keeps on making these jokes, you have the choice of teaching yourself to ignore everything that she says to you, or starting to distance yourself from her, which I think is a choice that you would very much dislike because you said your friends are your weakness.

About the high expectations: you can ask all of your friends to come to your house (or your usual hanging out spot), and tell them about your discomfort with their high expectations of you. You can tell them that you are glad that they think highly of you—that they feel like you can achieve all those things, but you need to tell them how it ends up affecting you negatively.

About your friends keeping on coming to you about their studies: I would say that if they are disrupting your own studies, you should also say something to them. However, as someone who has managed to obtain good grades on my exams, I would try my best to help my friends because, by helping them, it also makes me remember and understand things better.

I know you said your friends are your weakness because you can never seem to get mad at them. I think this might stem from your habit to care about what people around you seem to think of you, and this leads you to have the need to fulfill their high expectations no matter what.

My advice would be:

1. Stop caring about other people's thoughts.

I used to care a lot about what people think of me. I still do, but not as much as I did when I was younger.

You like the jacket that your mom bought? Wear it. Who cares if your classmates think it's ugly? It's your life, and if it's not causing harm to other people, keep on doing what you like. You have to remember that you cannot please everyone that appears in your life. Everyone has a different mind, after all. Instead of pleasing other people, please yourself. It's your life, and if you're happy, who cares about what other people think?

You also need to remember that bad comments that you hear in your life show more about the people who say those things than they show about who you really are.

2. Do not lament too long on your failure.

I know having expectations are good in order to keep yourself successful, but focusing too much on other people's high expectations of you has only lead you to feel bad. Your friend probably meant well when she said that before you won that competition since she seemed proud of your winning, but it's probably her way of saying things that makes you uncomfortable.

Even if you do not manage to reach their expectations, it's okay. Read on what I said in advice 1. You cannot impress everyone. What matters now is that you do not give up if you did not manage to win something or get something. Everyone goes through failure. It's a lie if someone never fails in their life.

What makes the differentiation between successful people and unsuccessful people is the way one handles failure. Do you use it as a motivation, or do you let it bring you down?

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck in everything!

Lots of love,

The Advice Column Team