The Advice Column III

546

Advice Request

The requestor's best friend has expressed interest in going out with them, however they are unsure.

Answered Submission

Hello,

I understand that this is likely very stressful for you. You have a lot going on right now, and I know that it is not an easy situation to be in. The question here is not whether or not you can deal with it, but rather how you should deal with it.

First things first. Do you like him? I understand that he is your best friend and you don't want to lose him, but you need to figure out where you stand. Once you decide whether you like him as more than a friend or not, it will become easier to make the bigger decisions.

Next, we need to talk about your doubts, especially the ones around his loyalty. He is your best friend, so you see him in a positive light. You've also seen the other side of the coin, even if from a safe distance. Because of this, you know that he has a bit of a bad track record when it comes to romantic ventures. Is this something you can look over and let go of?

A few key components of a healthy relationship (based on my experience) are communication, transparency, and trust. Communication is pretty self explanatory. The two parties in the relationship need to talk to each other, share their feelings, and voice their concerns. Transparency is basically a broader term for honesty. People have to be clear about where they stand and what's happening in their lives and the relationship as a whole. This means that one can't try to hide things from their partner and expect everything to be smooth sailing. These two components come together to build our third, and probably most important component, trust.

Without trust, there can't be a relationship. Try as you might, if you don't trust your partner, the relationship will inevitably collapse. So if you can't trust him to be loyal to you, I can tell you right now that it will not end well. It's also something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go into a situation thinking you'll hate it, chances are you'll hate it, simply because your mind is searching for evidence to confirm your prediction. The same can be said for any kind of relationship. You have to go into it open-minded and willing to work out any issues that will arise.

One last thing we need to discuss is your apprehension about your inexperience. We all go into situations blind the first time. It's all about being able to learn and grow. Don't let fear block you from a potentially great thing. If you have reasons to be wary, then take them into account, but you must figure out where this apprehension stems from.

I will say this. Going to separate universities can be trying. Long distance relationships are not for everyone. If you two can both handle it, then by all means try, but if that is just too much, then I would certainly take that into account when thinking this over.

In the end, the decision is up to you. I can't tell you, "Yes! You should totally date him!" or, "No, leave it where it is." I can only direct your thoughts and guide the decision-making process. I can tell you though, that if you feel that you can't trust him to be loyal, then the relationship is already doomed to fail. On the contrary, if you can let it go and trust him without taking his past grievances into it, then there may be a chance. Ultimately, this is your choice. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer here. What do you think the best route for you is, considering all these factors and where you are in life?

I hope this helps! Stay strong,

The Advice Column Team