Sex, Love, and Basketball *Books 1 and 2* (Slowly Editing)

23. Talk To Me

Excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

Nadia

"A note?" I asked. "What kind of note?"

When Malaya said that my mom left her a note, the first thing that came to my mind was a suicide letter. Maybe this wasn't what should have been going through my mind, but the only thing I could think was, 'Why hadn't she left me a note?'. I get that I was only ten, but she was my mother. This just proves that she didn't give a fuck about me.

"Just read it." Malaya rescued me from my thoughts. I looked at the note that she had taken out of her pocket and took it from her hand. I didn't even hesitate to open it. My mother barely spoke to me.
I wanted to know what was going through her head, whether this was a suicide letter or not.

The note wasn't very long, so I wasn't expecting it to have such a huge effect on me. It wasn't until I actually started reading that I realize that I probably would have been better off never seeing it. I was at a good place in my life as far as my mental and emotional state go, but this was going to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I could feel it.

"Why couldn't she just say it?" I asked keeping my eyes on the note. I couldn't see it because my vision was blurred by the tears in my eyes. "She couldn't even write it without being indirect and I want this to be enough because I hate being mad at her, but this isn't enough. She can't fucking tell you to tell me she loves me. That's not the same."

Malaya looked like a deer caught in headlights. I guess she didn't know what to say to make me feel better. There wasn't really anything she could say.

"You know it hurts more that she actually tried, but couldn't." I forced a laugh as I wiped at my tears. "A part of her actually wanted to love me and that makes it hurt worse because she was literally incapable of loving me. She said it herself that she resented me. I was right all along. She did it because of me."

"Nadia, nothing in that note says that." Malaya finally spoke. "She didn't-"

"Everything in the fucking note says that!" I snapped. "She says that she hated herself more everyday that she couldn't be the mother that I needed. I know she had problems before I was born, but don't you think it's one hell of a coincidence that she didn't off herself until she had me? Every negative thing she felt towards herself got worse with my existence. She killed herself because she felt like she was failing me. She didn't have to fucking do that. How come she never understood that her just being here was enough? I never hated her. I was too young to even think to hate her. Why couldn't she have stayed for me?"

I was crying freely at this point. I couldn't help myself. I was in both emotional and physical pain. Everything hurt because regardless of anything, I loved my mother. I always did and I always will.

"I miss her." I choked out. "Maybe I shouldn't because like she said, she was never good to me, but I miss her so much."

Malaya didn't speak. She just wrapped her arms around me and held me as I cried for a woman that was never coming back.

I don't think there is any pain like crying for your mother and knowing that she'll never come. Knowing that she'll never hold you in her arms and tell you that everything is okay. Knowing that she's gone forever.

I don't know how long I cried. All I know is that my head was killing me and I was ready to go home.

"Can I keep this?" I asked referring to the piece of paper that had just rattled my emotions.

"Of course." Malaya said despite looking worried. "Are you okay?"

I had a feeling Malaya already knew the answer to her question, which is why I didn't bother lying.