A Leap of Faith (Part 1)

Chapter 33 - Momma

Lena remains frozen on the spot, with her back still turned to Alura in her bed. Lena's mind begins to go a mile a minute. Firstly, Lena questions whether Alura actually did just call her momma or not. Lena considers that perhaps she maybe misheard it, or something. Then the next thoughts that flow through Lena's brain are just of panic. Eventually, Lena comes to the conclusion that she needs clarification as to what Alura said, with this all taking place within seconds.

Lena quickly turns back around to look at Alura.

"What did you say?" Lena asks.

Lena gets no response and then notices Alura has fallen asleep once more.

Lena just stares at Alura, completely stunned, for a moment. Lena has no idea what to do about this, or if Alura even meant it. Eventually after a good few minutes, Lena gets herself together and leaves Alura's bedroom, putting the door to. Lena then goes into her bedroom and then into her bathroom. Lena can feel her heart racing, with her chest feeling like it is tightening. Lena moves over to the sink and begins to run some cold water, splashing it over her face as she looks at herself in the mirror. All the while Lena tries to get her breathing under control.

Lena is honestly freaking out. Lena is freaking out firstly because she doesn't even know if Alura meant to say what she did, so Lena knows this could have all been a mistake and not mean anything. Then at the same time Lena knows that there is the strong possibility that Alura said something else, and she just totally misheard, and now she just hasn't got any clarification on what Alura said. But the biggest reason that Lena is freaking out is because if it is true, and Alura did in fact call her momma, that scares Lena more than anything. It doesn't scare Lena because she doesn't like the idea of being a mother, or even being a mother to Alura for that matter. It scares Lena, because Lena thinks that she should in no way be a mother; that is the last thing that should be asked of her. Lena knows that she is totally unequipped to be a mother, and there are millions upon millions of other women out there who have much better qualifications. Yes, Lena has bonded with Alura, and taken care of her on her own at times, just like a mother would. But for all those times, Lena knew that it was only temporary, and while she had such a big responsibility in the moment, to look after the young girl, it was only a responsibility for a short amount of time, not forever. It utterly freaks Lena out the permanence of the idea of Alura considering her, her momma. Lena knows that it would be for the best if she just remained as how she is currently for Alura, just being Lena, the woman who is dating her mother, not her other mother.

Of course, another big reason that Lena is freaking out now is because of Lillian. Lena can't help but allow Lillian's words from the previous day, and the time before, to flood through her brain. The words about how she isn't equipped to be a mother, and shouldn't be one. What Lena hates the most, is she can't say that Lillian is wrong, after all Lena has not really ever experience a loving mother towards herself. Yes, Lena had a loving mother for the first four years of her life, but it's not like she can really remember much of that, just some very vague memories. Lena for her part, for the large majority of her life, has experienced the 'mothering' of Lillian Luthor, and if children learn things and habit from their parents, then Lena certainly has not the single idea of how to be a good mother, as Lillian was not even close to being an okay mother, let alone a good one, at least not to Lena.

Thoughts continue to run through Lena's brain, all about how she shouldn't be a mother. Lena realises that she shouldn't be a mother also because her life is just so busy with her being a CEO and running L-Corp. Lena can't just make time to spend time with a potential child she may have, at least not enough time, not the time that a child deserves of their parents. Lena spends most of her time at work throughout the week, and even on weekends she occasionally goes in to continue her work. Then even when she is at home, she is still working from home, trying to get a handle on her large workload. Lena just knows that is not the lifestyle a parent should have if they have any hopes of successfully raising their children. In that regard, Lena thinks of Lionel. When Lena was growing up she barely ever saw Lionel, he would work so much of the time, leaving Lillian and the various servants that the Luthor Manor had, to raise Lena, with Lex already being in his teenage years. Then when Lionel did come home from work, he would barely spend any of his time with either of his children, as he would much rather drown himself in booze. So Lena really thinks she hasn't learnt how to make time for a potential child from either of her parents. In fact, Lena already has an example of how she has failed Alura in this regard, when Lena told Alura that she had a business trip to Tokyo and was going to miss her birthday. Yes, Lena did eventually work tirelessly throughout her trip to Tokyo, just so she could make it back to be with Alura for the last part of her birthday, but that couldn't be the case all of the time. Lena knows that in the future she will have times where, short of moving heaven and Earth, it will be impossible to not miss important moments a parent should share with their children. Lena can imagine it now, with herself becoming more and more like Lionel, first just missing teacher conferences, and the occasional dinners, but eventually missing birthdays and other holidays, and when she is at home being far too tired to make any effort to pay attention to a potential child, with her just relaxing by drinking some nice scotch and getting very drunk.